Its certainly a mistake I’ve made

After leaving my ex, I spent a good deal of time reflecting on how I could have been so enamoured with that loser only five short months earlier.  I came to the conclusion that I had been blinded to his true nature because I was too enthralled by the sex.  I had slept with him too soon, and became attached to him for that reason alone.  Not a good reason to become attached to someone.  When the sex slowed down, I realized that he was a person that I didn’t like very much at all.  Unfortunately, by that point, I was already pregnant.

I resolved never to sleep with a man so soon again.  I thought back to something my grandma used to tell us, “If a man really loves you, he will wait”.  But the problem presented itself soon after I started dating again.  How long should one wait?

Obviously, the second date is not long enough, if my relationship with the last man I slept with is any indication.  But beyond that … how am I supposed to know?  Shall I impose the same rules that I imposed on myself when I was a virgin?  That I must be really, truly in love first?  You’d think that I’d have an easier time doing that now that I know what love is, but to be honest, I’ve thought I was in love many times in the beginning stages of relationships, but looking back, the only time I can actually say I was in love was with my first.  And when I first had sex with him, I don’t think I was in love with him yet.  I think I was just starting to think that I was too old to still be  a virgin, and figured I might as well go for it with this guy, since we’d been dating for a month or so (and that was the longest any guy had ever been interested in me).  For the record, we were both virgins, and both thinking the same thing, we later confided to each other.  We continued to date for a year and a half, and almost got married.

It hasn’t been a big issue for me yet, as I haven’t done a lot of dating since breaking up with Elijah’s biological father.  But it’s something that’s sat in my mind, because I would like to seriously re-enter the dating world again sometime soon.

Today I came across this article on MSN, When Should You Sleep With Him?, and it got my brain working on it again.  When I went on five dates with a nice guy last spring, but resisted sleeping with him (even the movie night at his house date), was I holding out too long?  Is that why he seemed to lose interest?  Yet this article has quotes from women who waited six months to have sex with their boyfriends!

Six months!?  Really?  There are guys out there who are willing to wait that long?  Yeah, yeah, I know there are a group of people who abstain from having sex until marriage, but my experience with them, for the most part, is that they get married after only a couple of months, and then get divorced again just as quickly (when they realize they don’t really like each other).  To me, that’s just having sex whenever you want, with extra legal complications.  Furthermore, most people in the abstinence circle are also in the super conservative circle.  There’s nothing wrong with that, but since I am in the super progressive circle, I don’t think a long term relationship with a super conservative is going to work well for me.

The idea of abstaining until marriage is actually a really attractive one to me right now, for the first time in my life, but I don’t think I can find someone who shares that value of mine while at the same time sharing a majority of the rest of my values.  If anyone knows of a circle of men who have pledged to abstain until marriage, but also voted for Nader (or at least Obama), please point me their direction.

In the mean time, I’d just like to know how common it is for a man to be willing to wait months before having sex.  If this is common, then I think I can feel a great deal more confidence re entering the dating scene (of course, it will also make me look back on my past habits with a little more shame, but whats done is done).  Because I just don’t think I’ll be ready to have sex after five dates.  Or six.  Or seven.  I don’t know when I’ll be ready, but I’m not having sex again until I am sure I am.


About Rockingthehomestead

Badass feminist environmentalist.
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6 Responses to Its certainly a mistake I’ve made

  1. ba3301 says:

    Knowing how long to wait would be a great thing. My question is along the lines, but different. After being married for 39 years and not having a satisfactory sex life for that long, how long must I wait to go looking for someone else? You can see my problem as I am documenting it on my blog.

    Thanks for your interesting blog. Keep it up.

  2. Amit says:

    Yeah, it’s a tough question. In my dating experience, I’ve had sex by different number of dates – though never the first one – and it was when both of us felt comfortable with each other. There’s really no science or logic to it (in terms of how many dates), it’s mostly intuition. But yeah, if I had to wait six or seven months for sex and if it didn’t include *any* intimacy whatsoever (I’m assuming you mean “intercourse” when you say “sex”), I’d most likely bail out.

    I did vote for Nader, but I have no plans to move to Colorado. 😉

  3. Angelina says:

    What a candid post!!! YES… a man worthy of your time will wait. The question that we so often direct outward (how long will they wait?), could as easily be directed inward with more satisfying results. When we feel vulnerable and raw the question becomes, “Do I feel safe with this person…do I feel secure as a mama with this person. Do I now? and now?” And when the answer to that question becomes yes than watch out world.

  4. Katy says:

    I completely identify with this post!

    My realationship with my daughter’s father didn’t fall apart because we had sex too soon, but after the break up (my daughter was one) I did have a few very short relationships that were basiclly all about the sex.

    I think that every person should really sit down and make dating rules for themselves BEFORE they start dating and get into a relationship because once you are with someone you are physically attracted to it can be very hard to keep your standerds straight. I have had friends who have thrown all their expectations for themselves out the window and regreated it later. These should be rules that you feel comfertable with and rules you know that you can keep. While I see the logic in “no sex until marriage” and I agree that it is probably the safest thing to do if you don’t want to get your heart broken, that would be impossible for me. Remember, its not just about “how long can he wait” its also “how long can I wait?”

    Here are my rules for myself.
    Never date a guy I know nothing about. (I’m not picking people up in bars or on the internet).
    Don’t kiss on the first date
    No sex for the first month. (at least)

    Those are the big ones. Basically I aproach dating differently. I’m not looking for a boyfriend, I am looking for a partner (who knows if I will ever get married). Like you I am looking for someone I will probably never find. I want a liberal Christian. That is a very narrow field of people, espicially when you are talking about men. But if I am going to share my life with someone he has to share my core values.

  5. jessimonster says:

    Hey! Don’t be so hard on the liberal Christians. There’s a bunch of us out there. We have a whole magazine, called Sojourners.
    But personally, I’m not demanding a liberal Christian. I would like someone who shares my political beliefs more than not, I would like someone who shares my environmental beliefs, and I would like someone with some kind of faith (it doesn’t have to be Christian) and an acceptance towards my faith.
    I doubt I’d want to wait until marriage either, if I were in a serious relationship. It sounds appealing now because I am not in the throws of dating someone. I know full well that if I were to apply an absitinence rule to myself, I’d either end up in a doomed marriage very quickly, or I’ll die a spinster.
    Out of curiosity, where do you meet people? I understand the no bars thing, but I think the internet is a reasonable tool, if used appropriately. I’ve been meaning to blog on my rules to internet dating for a while. I think I’ll get on that.

  6. Katy says:

    Yeah, the “were do you meet people” is a good question and one that I don’t know the answer to.

    I’m involved in stuff. I do things with my church, volunteer once a month at the local farmer’s market, attended lectures take classes on things that I am interested in, take my daughter to the park and library, grocery shop.

    I’m not saying that I am crusing for a date 24/7 in all of those places, but I have meet people and gone on dates with people that I have met in a class or through a mutual friend.

    I understand the draw of internet dating. I have two friends who have actually married a person they met on-line. Its just not for me.

    If I did the internet thing, I would undoubtably date more, but I’m just not at in a place where I want to devote that much time to finding a mate.

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