Its amazing how much has changed for me in a year. A year ago today I couldn’t see my toes. I had no idea if I was having Deanna or … I hadn’t decided on a boys name yet. I was contemplating acupuncture to induce labor. Wow. It doesn’t seem like that long ago, but look how different things are today.
I can’t imagine life without my baby. I can’t imagine sleeping in my bed without a little, warm, fussy thing tossing and turning at my side. I can’t remember what my nipples looked like before Elijah cut four teeth in one week (ouch!).
My mom and I have been planning his birthday party. I didn’t want to do too much in the way of party favors, but my mom really wants to go all out. I hate the waste of resources, but it will make her happy. And it will be cute. We decided on a cowboy theme. I had wanted to do a monster theme, because Elijah loves to make this crazy growl noise we call his monster noise, but its hard to find monster theme stuff that’s not Monsters Inc (cute movie, but I don’t like getting into the marketing trap that so often comes with those movies). My grandma is making Elijah a custom cowboy outfit for the party.
As his birthday draws near, I’m filled with emotions I haven’t felt in a long time. I am once again as shocked that I am really a mom now as I was when he was first born. When he was first born, I think, it was more like realizing the marathon had begun, and I had better start running. Now I’ve just realized I finished the first couple of miles, and I’m really doing this. Part of me expected to have dropped out of the race by now, but I’m here and I’m still going, even though I’m exhausted.
This is just getting more and more real by the minute.
Another feeling that’s been plaguing me is curiosity about Elijah’s biological father. A year has gone by and he still has made no attempt to contact us, that I am aware of. Nor has any of his family. I can’t say I made it easy for him to do so. I blocked him and all of his friends and family from my myspace, changed my email address and phone number, and I’ve moved, but I’m still a little surprised I haven’t heard anything from any of them. Its not like it would be impossible. They know my name, where I work and what my former address was (until just three months ago, it was still my current address). But still nothing.
I have one friend whose husband used to be friends with him, and she told me that my ex at one point called her husband to try and get information, but that they refused and haven’t spoken to my ex since. As far as anyone knows, he doesn’t even know if I had a boy or a girl.
Its not that I want to hear from him, or that I wish he was a part of our lives, I don’t. I wish I had at least been sensible enough to have gotten pregnant by a man who could have paid child support, but whats done is done, and I still feel like I got the long end of the stick in the break up. After all, I got this beautiful son who loves me in a way I’ve never been loved before. I just wonder if he has any remorse about having yet another child he will never know (he has another child in Oregon somewhere, so you know I’m speaking from personal experience when I say a man who has a child for whom he does not provide is not a good person).
I wonder if he’s thinking, where ever he is, that the child I was pregnant with when I left him would be about a year old today. I wonder if he’s wondering what that child is like. I wonder if he feels the tiniest bit of sadness that he is not a part of that child’s life. I wish I could know. I don’t know why, because it wouldn’t really change anything.
I guess I feel like if he doesn’t feel remorse, if he doesn’t feel some pang of sadness, it really just unravels what’s left of my faith in man kind’s ability to learn from their actions. I feel like I’ve been trying extra hard to learn from the mistakes I made in my relationship with Elijah’s biological father, and in my life as a whole to lead me into that relationship. But it bothers me to think that he might not ever reflect that deeply on it. I don’t know why. It’s not going to change anything.
For all the women who have been single mothers longer than me, does this feeling ever go away?