My message to all women in the world

I’m going to say something now that I wish all women everywhere could hear.

If a man has a child that he does not provide for, he is not a good person.

There is no exception to this.

Now, of course, he is going to tell you that she took the kids away and won’t let him see them.  Thats bull shit.  No woman does that unless she
a) thinks he is a danger to her child
b) has kidnapped the child, in which case the father should report her to the authorities and an amber alert should be put out
c) the father is a bum who does not work and the mother knows she’s got a better chance of winning the Nobel Prize for Physics than she does of getting child support from him, so she’d rather keep his name off the birth certificate so that if she marries a descent man one day, her child can potentially be adopted

It is more likely that the mother has not seen or heard from the father in so long that he has moved and she doesn’t know where to find him to drag his dead beat ass into court for child support (and if you are a single mother who is in this situation, I cannot stress to you enough how important it is that you go down to your local court house and see about filing a complaint or something, in some states a warrant for your ex’s arrest will be issued).

If a man cares about his children and wants to see them, he can take the mother into court.  Its pretty simple.  If he hasn’t done that, it is either because he doesn’t care about his child, he doesn’t want to pay child support, or some combination of the two.  There are no exceptions to this. 

If she really has run off and hid with the children, and he is making attempts to contact her and to pay child support, but she’s just disappeared, thats called parental kidnapping, and the mother can be put in prison for that.  He needs to file a police report.  If this is his story, but he hasn’t pressed criminal charges, he is full of shit.  There are no exceptions to this.

There is no excuse for having never paid child support, or for not having paid child support for more than a year.  There are no exceptions to this.  No financial situation exempts you from your responsibility to your child, and the amount of child support you are required to pay is based off of your income and your reasonable living expenses.

I knew a guy once who paid child support regularly, but then lost his job and shortly after was horrifically injured so that he could not find a job again for over a year.  While he was unable to work, he actively pursued government aid so that his childs needs could still be met through welfare, even if it was not as much aid as his child support provided.  He continued to make contact with the child, continued to send him birthday and christmas cards, his family maintained contact with the child.  As soon as he got a job again he re established child support payments and worked on making back payments.  Thats what a man does who cares about his child and is, for whatever reasons, temorarily unable to make child support payments.  If a man claims something happened to stop him from making his payments, but is not doing something like this, he is full of shit.

Once paternity has been legally established, a mother does not have the right to deny a father visitation because he isn’t making child support payments.  If a man claims that the mother of his child has done this, he can take her to court and she can be held in contempt of court.  However, once paternity has been legally established, a mother does have the right to take the father of her child to court for not paying child support, and he too can be held in contempt of court, and even imprisoned.  When a man who is not paying child support takes a woman to court for denying him visitation, chances are that they will both be in trouble.

If his ex is really such an awful person and a bad mother and using his child support to buy things for herself instead of using it on food and shelter for her child, then he needs to take her to court and attempt to get primary or full custody.  If he does not do this, and instead knowingly chooses to leave his child with an unfit provider, he is just as bad as she is.

Chance are the real reason why a man does not take his ex to court for custody of his child is because he knows he will lose.  He may even be found to be unfit himself (usually mothers have really, really good reasons for cutting a father out of her childs life), and will end up being forced to pay child support even though he doesn’t have any rights to visitation.

I know how easy it is to fall into that trap with a guy who doesn’t provide for his child.  I did it myself not so long ago.  Oh, but he’s so nice, so sweet, so loving, it must be killing him not to be with his child.  Trust me, if it were killing him, he’d do something about it.

People who have children do not have the luxury of living however the hell they want.  People who have children fight and sacrifice and work to make sure their children are provided for, even if it sucks and they hate their lives.  They do this because they care about their child more than anything.  If a man does not do this, he doesn’t care.  And a person who doesn’t care about their child has something wrong with them mentally, emotionally, and biologically.

Think about it.  If a woman with a child were to say, “You know, I can’t really afford it right now, so I’m just not going to buy my kid any food.  I’m sure they’ll get food somehow.” or “You know, I just have other things I want to do with my life, and can’t make any time to check in on, watch or even talk to my child.  I’m sure they’ll fend for themselves.” she would be sent to prison for child abandonment.  Not only that, but a woman who behaves in this manner is considered to be mentally ill.  But for some reason, our society says its okay for men to behave this way.  In my opinion, a man who behaves this way is not any different than a woman who behaves this way.  He is mentally ill, and should be imprisoned for child abandonment.

I don’t care how grand his stories sound, there is NO EXCUSE for not paying child support and keeping regular contact with your child.  The definition of a dead beat dad is one who does not pay child support or maintain contact with his children.  If he does not pay child support and/or does not maintain regular contact with his children, he is a dead beat dad.  End of story.  Dead beat dads, no matter how nice they may seem, DO NOT make good boyfriends, husbands or business partners.  At least I wouldn’t do business with a dead beat dad.

I have heard every excuse in the book, from the common “She won’t let me see the kids cause she’s evil, boo, hiss” to “He can’t pay child support because he is too sick!”.  Its all lies to cover up the fact that he is a lazy ass dead beat who doesn’t care about his own flesh and blood.  His children could be starving right now.  He doesn’t care.  He doesn’t even check to see if they are still alive.

I know you think your situation is different.  That you are the one person in the world who is somehow different than the rest of these retards.  I thought that once too.  Then when I realized the truth, and I was knocked up, alone, being stalked and threatened by the very man that only a few short months before I had thought was such a nice and sweet guy, I thought I must have been the stupidest person in the world.  How stupid I was to believe that it was his ex’s fault he didn’t see his child.  How stupid I was to over look the glaringly obvious gaps in his story, like why didn’t he ever take his ex to court?  Why didn’t he ever attempt to set up legal child support payments, in order to protect his own rights and financial resources?  Now that I’m active in many single mother support groups I realize just how many other young woman stupidly believe the same, lame lies that I believed.  I don’t know if it makes me feel better to know that I’m not the only one who bought that same stupid lie that dead beat dads tell their new girlfriends, or if it made me feel worse to know that more women after me are likely to do the same thing.  Probably even with the exact same man that I did it with.  And maybe he’ll have more children he will never provide for.

Please, if there is no other thing of worth I have to say in this life time, heed this bit of advice.  Men who do not provide for their children are bad people.  Do not, do not, do not make the same mistake I did and get involved with a man like that.  If you are involved with a man and find out that he has a child he does not provide for, break up with him immediately!  Because if you find yourself pregnant by that man he is going to care just as much about you and your child as he does about his first child.


About Rockingthehomestead

Badass feminist environmentalist.
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8 Responses to My message to all women in the world

  1. James says:

    Good post, and, as the son of a single mother, I can agree with a lot of what you say. However there are mothers out there who will withhold access to children as a way of punishing their ex. A close friend of mine had this happen on several occasions, despite court judgements to the contrary, and this was despite him beggaring himself to keep his kids housed, fed and clothed.

    I know this is far less common than deadbeat dads however. Fathers should support their families, and I know many do not, or do it sporadically. This is not acceptable.

  2. jessimonster says:

    She should have been held in contempt of court for that. But in any case, I should clarify. I mean that no woman keeps a child from the father, and as a result turns down child support, unless she thinks he’s a danger to the child, etc.
    Women who want revenge against their ex always go after child support. What kind of revenge is it to take on the entire financial burdon of a child (or children) when you could force the father to pay you?

  3. James says:

    She should have been, but that is one of the problems with the system over here. Here child support is not dependant on access. The father will still get money taken directly from his salary, even if the mother withholds access.

    This all by-the-by though really. I am sure there are far more deadbeat dads than there are vindictive mums, and you are right to advise women to steer clear of them 🙂

  4. jessimonster says:

    I’m not quite sure where you are, but thats the law here, as well. In fact, thats the law everywhere in America. At the same time, the law states that reguardless of where the father is on child support payments, the mother cannot deny him visitation. If your friend is paying child support and not seeing his children (or even if he is not paying child support and not seeing his children) he needs to take his ex into court. She will be fined for not allowing him visitation, or possibly even put in jail. If he has taken her into court and the courts have denied him visitation, then it is because he was found, for whatever reasons, unfit. I don’t want to speculate about your friend or to insult him by calling him an unfit parent, but I know that if his ex really was denying him visitation she would get in very big trouble for it if he pursued it. If he cares about his kids, or even if he cares about the money thats getting garnished from his paycheck, he would take his ex to court and fight for his paternal rights. I assume that since his checks are garnished his place of employment has knowledge of his ex’s whereabouts, so he can’t claim he can’t find her. Whats the hold up?

  5. James says:

    Sorry Jessimonster, should have made it clear. I’m in the UK. Here the payments are handled by a government agency (who are typically efficient, as you can imagine) and who take the money regardless of the visitation status. He is in a court battle to get access but since the court won’t fine her much money since she is not working, nor imprison her since she is a mother, he is in a bit of a bind. Hopefully she will see reason though. Even if she is fined that is money that would be taken away from his kids, that he would probably have to make up. It’s a bit of a no win situation.

  6. Les Potter says:


    No man worthy of being called a man should ever bring a child into the world without making a 100 percent commitment to raising that child to independent, productive adulthood. Period.

    That means being there for the child and the mother 24/7, providing for them both physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Anything less is simply not acceptable.

    Your wisdom and advice are much needed.

    I wish you and your son the best and highest in all things. That boy has an awesome mother.

    Les Potter
    Vienna, Virginia

  7. ms perry says:

    that is very helpful. Iam asingle mother of a 13month little girl, and am pregnant with the second. I was in an abusive relationship with him for over 3 years/. EVer since my first child was born, her father has had one job that lasted not even two months, while i have been workin full time since she was 2months old. The state of missouri ordered him to pay me child support in march, and i still have not seen a dime of any money. and it is just one horrible thing after another. Most recently he kicked down my front door b/c he believed that i had another man in my house with my daughter, but in reality he just wants to control my life and make sure i’m as miserable as he is. I have also been going back to college which he has never supported me in. I can not trust him!!! he has major anger issues, as well as a criminal history. He asks to take my daughter, and i will not allow it because i am scared he will take off with her, and i wont be able to get her back. I know that I am doing what is best for my daughter. I just got a job offer in Texas (i live in Missouri) and want to take it and move, but i need to know how to do this legally w/o him coming after me saying that i kidnapped her. Where do i start? I would have no problem with not getting support, since i have never gotten any anyways. He is not on the birth certificate, and we have never been to court for custody. where do i begin?

  8. Pingback: I’ve been a mother 51 weeks now « All Natural, Single Mothering 101

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