Checked out July 24, 2008

I have been having the hardest time the past few weeks.  I’m tired of my full time job, I’m hoping I can quit it soon and go back to being a traditional Guardsman (that means I’ll only do my one weekend a month and two weeks in the summer, as opposed to being in uniform all the time, like I am now).  I’m dieing to go back to school full time (I was not cut out for online classes, especially not online science classes).  I’m sick of my hour long commute.

A friend of mine wrote to me a few days ago and said he had “Senioritus” (the condition that seniors get a month or two before graduating) because he was quitting his job in a few days to go back to grad school, and his head just wasn’t in it anymore.  I guess I’m experiencing the same thing, only I don’t know if I can quit my job to go back to school full time, so I really shouldn’t be feeling this way.  I also have just lost motivation for my work in general, and its affecting the quality of my work.

I hate my job.  It blows dogs for quarters.  They’ve been really supportive of me through my pregnancy and everything, but I have no benefits, no opportunity for advancement, and I’m not taken seriously around here anymore.  Its time to move on.

Plus I’ve been under a lot of stress lately.  My daycare provider fell ill and is no longer going to be able to care for Elijah.  I’m sad, mainly because Elijah loves her so much, and I felt so good about leaving him there.  I also feel bad because she is going to be moving in with her daughter now, and I know that she doesn’t want to lose her independence.  I am very glad that she is not seriously ill though.  She was in the hospital for a while, and we were really worried about her.

Also, Elijah is sleeping worse and worse at night.  I’m working on getting him to sleep better, but its hard.  A bunch of people recommended the No Cry Sleep Solution to me, and it seems pretty good so far (I’ll write a book review on it once I can report as to how well the solutions it presents works), but I’m worried that Elijah is one of those babies the book talks about that will never sleep through the night until I move him to his own bed/crib.  Some nights I think it would be really nice to have my bed to myself again, but I know I’d miss snuggling up to him.

There are other issues stressing me out as well, but I don’t want to write about them for fear they will jinx me.  I’m a very superstitious person.  Hopefully I will be able to report on some of them tomorrow.

Anyway, my brain is just not in it today.  Nor has it been in a week or so.  I’m totally checked out. If I could lay in bed all day and snuggle my son, I would.  Seriously.

Wow, there’s a streak on my computer screen that’s shaped like a penis.  That’s weird.

Everyone, please, say a prayer or whatever for me to be able to quit my job after the DNC and go back to school full time.  If I finish my degree, I can get out of the Army.  I want out.  I want to stop worrying about how many push ups I can do (its not much).  I want to re-pierce my nose and start wearing ear rings again.  I want to have the weekend of my birthday off every year (I always, always, always have drill over my birthday weekend).  I don’t want to leave my son for a year to deploy. 

Plus, and I almost hate to write this down for the whole world to see, but I know I’ll never get married if I stay in the military.  Marriage isn’t my top priority, or anything, and God knows I certainly don’t want to go rushing into anything, but one day I’d like to get married and have more kids.  I don’t want to marry a man in the military because there is too much adultery going on in the military.  Sorry to all you service members who are faithful.  You know that, sadly, you are vastly outnumbered.  I don’t want to take chances with that one.  The trouble is, not a lot of civilian dudes are willing to wait around for a chick during their deployment.  So there, I said it.  I want to get out so I have a chance of getting married one day.

I need to get some glass cleaner for my screen, this is really bothering me.

Why I want to become a doula July 15, 2008

My pregnancy was totally unplanned.  When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I just sat there on the toilet with my pants around my ankles for what seemed like hours, staring at that little plus sign that didn’t even have the decency to wait until I set it down on the counter to show up.  This wasn’t how I imagined I would get pregnant one day.  I felt totally unprepared and out of control.

When I made the decision, a few days later, that I was indeed going to have the baby, I wanted to seize what little bit of control I could.  I immediately started reading on what was going on in my body, in the baby’s body, and what the future held for us both.  I had to know everything.  It became an addiction.

Seven months after having Elijah, nothing has changed.  I still want to learn more about pregnancy, child birth and parenting every day.  Whatever information I encounter I absorb, whether it applies to me or not. I am a member of several pregnancy, child birth and parenting forums where I proceed to disseminate this information in the hopes of helping some woman who isn’t as hopelessly addicted to child bearing knowledge as I am.

I have thought, since having Elijah, about what I could do with this new found passion and knowledge, and the more I try to answer questions and give encouragement, the more it becomes clear.  I should be involved in pregnancy and childbirth as a career, somehow.  Since I don’t see myself becoming a nurse or a doctor, and midwifery probably isn’t in my future either, I did some research on what it takes to become a doula, and decided that very likely was for me.

Really, I felt most inspired by my own doula, and a few encouraging words from her when I wrote to her about my doula ideas was all it took to make me decide for sure that this is what I wanted to do.  I checked out the required reading list for certification and found that I had already read some of the books on the list.  I chose a class to attend (in November) and made an announcement at work.  I’m going to become a doula.

I hope that I can help women have the empowering, awe inspiring birth that my doula helped me to have.  I hope I can satisfy some of my lust for the pregnancy and child birth experience (because I’m just dying to do it all again) by sharing that experience with other women.  I hope I can one day make a descent living at this.  And I hope I will be able to volunteer my services to other single mothers, and maybe empower them a little to not let their situation condemn them and their children.  I hope I can be there for women who need a c section without getting queasy.

Hopefully now my choice doesn’t seem so sudden to everyone.

Pregnancy Pact? July 2, 2008

My head has been swimming with thoughts of these 17 high school girls in Mass. who made a pact to get pregnant.  A friend of mine said I should be careful writing about it, because it is still just speculative, but last I heard several of the girls had admitted to there being a pact.  Has anyone heard for sure?

 

Anyway, what struck me as odd about the news story is that school officials are using this situation to bring up discussions about whether or not birth control should be offered at the school.  My first thought was, “What good would that have done?  These girls planned to get pregnant.  They simply would not have used birth control, no matter how available it was.”  Apparently, many other people thought the same thing.

 

Then I heard that there was a daycare facility at the school so that students who have children can finish up their high school education, at least.  My first thought about that was “Oh, how nice.  Well at least these girls have some sort of chance of raising their children under livable conditions,” because I can only imagine how hard it would be to be a single mother and not even have a high school education.  It’s hard enough for me and I have military training and some college.  But my reaction to the schools daycare facility was not the norm.

 

I was amazed at how many people felt the day care facility encouraged students to get pregnant.  As if giving girls who made a mistake a chance to make a descent life for themselves and their children was a bad thing.  Too many people look at children of unwed mothers as punishments to the mothers for being “slutty”.  Oh, should the pregnant woman or girl seek an abortion their tune is shockingly different.  From instant conception takes place it is a child, with rights and feelings, but the minute it’s born, it suddenly becomes a punishment, not a child, and it is not deserving of loving parents who are able to properly provide for it.  People with this attitude make me sick.

 

But I do try to be open minded, and the more I thought about it, the more I could kind of see how the day care facility might have played a hand in helping the girls to make this foolish choice (naturally, a lack of self respect and an abundance of stupidity played the primary roles).  I do not feel like it encourages children to get pregnant.  Obviously, unless it is a very small school, more girls do not get pregnant on purpose than who do.  But, by taking away some of the consequences of having a child young, you take away some of their reasons not to do it.  If you couple that with making absolutely no effort to discourage pregnancy (not offering birth control in school, for example) you get a double whammy.

 

So what should this school do in an attempt to keep this sort of thing from happening again?  I say keep the day care facility, because children deserve parents who can work and provide for them, but also, offer these children birth control.  Say to them, “This is here to help you if you screw up, but we’d prefer if you didn’t screw up in the first place, so here’s something to prevent it from happening.”  Discourage, but don’t exile those who make a mistake.

 

I think maybe every school in the country should consider something like that.

 

Of course, this does nothing to address the serious self respect issues these girls are facing, and their obvious lack of judgement, but I think I’ll tackle those subjects some other day.

What I’ll tell my son when he asks July 1, 2008

One day every child of a single mother has questions to ask about daddy.  Who was he, perhaps?  What happened between you two, maybe?  Where is he now?  We all became single mothers in different ways, so we will all get different questions and have different answers.  This is what I will say to my son.

“Your father was a nice man, but he had a very bad disease and was unable to take care of you.”

I choose to say it like that because

• I don’t want to say nasty or mean things about his biological father
• I assume he will be too young to really understand the implications of alcoholism
• I don’t want him thinking there was something wrong with him that made his biological father not want to take part in his life
• I don’t want him to think I stole him away from his father

As he gets older and can understand more, I might give him more information and detail, such as

“Your biological father was basically good, but he was an alcoholic, and because of his addiction was not able to be a fit father.”

I may tell him a few details about his father, should he ask, such as what he did (as opposed to what he did for a living, since his “profession” did not bring in any income) where he was from, maybe what some of his interests were.  I will do what I can to avoid going into too much detail before I think he’s ready for it.  When the time comes that he wants to know the whole story of what happened between us, I will try to relate it to him in the most matter of fact, nice way I can find to do it.  I will also admit to what I did wrong in the relationship (I certainly did make mistakes), rather than just pointing the finger at him.

I cannot do anything to stop Elijah from tracking him down one day, should he decide he wants to do that.  If Elijah ever comes to me (as an adult) and asks for detailed information about his biological father in an attempt to track him down, I will give it to him.  He has a right to find his father, if he wants.  I will not encourage it, however.  Come to think of it, Elijah has a half brother out there somewhere as well, or so his father told me, and he may wish to track him down.  Whatever the case, I can’t do much about it.

What have you told your child/children?  What do you plan to say?  Have you thought about it at all?

Book Review: Natural Family Living, The Mothering Magazine Guide to Parenting June 30, 2008

I know I haven’t been blogging as much as I used to.  As we get closer and closer to the Democratic National Convention, my office is getting busier and busier, and I have less free time.  Hopefully the business won’t be lasting too much longer, though.

Today I’d like to tell you all about the book Natural Family Living by Peggy O’Mara, the publisher, editor and owner of Mothering Magazine, and Jane McConnell, former editor in chief and publisher of Women’s Sports and Fitness magazine and associate editor of Mothering Magazine.  I love Mothering Magazine, so I was pretty eager to get this book.  I started reading it when Elijah was about 12 weeks old.  He’s 7 months old now, and I skipped chapters that didn’t apply to me.

Obviously, this book is a monster.  Its the size of a college text book, and is organized like one too.  Also, like a college text book, it is a wealth of strait forward, clearly explained information on Attachment Parenting.  It covers everything from preconception to adolescence, with a forward by Dr. William Sears, the practically worshiped guru of all things Attachment Parenting (in fact, he’s the one who coined the term, Attachment Parenting, in a way he invented it - at least he invented it for industrialized nations, since its the only parenting choice available for indigenous peoples).

First, my complaints with the book.  This book was obviously written for married people who planned their pregnancies.  Yes, I recognize that this is the ideal that we all (allegedly) strive for, but it doesn’t happen to be the common reality.  I don’t think anyone in my entire family planned any of their pregnancies (at least not that they would admit to) and half of them were not married at the time of conception.  I don’t know many people who have.  In fact, when I first announced I was pregnant at work, someone from another office asked me “How long were you trying?” and I replied without thinking “Pssh, who tries to have a baby?” (ooops, apparently she and her husband tried for many years before they got pregnant, awkward).  Maybe its just my world view, but it seems like you’re pretty lucky if you get to plan your pregnancy.  Even married people have oops.  But we are not married.  We are single moms.  Many of us were never married.  This book doesn’t even acknowledge us.

The only thing this book said that seemed to apply to me as a single, never wed mother, was insulting.  On page 6 it says “One study indicates that women involved in stormy relationships run a 237 percent greater risk of bearing a psychologically or physically damaged child.  A pregnant woman needs emotional support, and the baby’s father is often the most important source of that support.”  Gee, thanks.  I guess I was pretty stupid to pay more attention to those dozens of studies that indicate having an abusive, addict father would screw you up, instead of listening to your one study saying fathers were the most important source of emotional support.  Yes, I know they weren’t actually saying that I should have stayed with the drunk bum who knocked me up.  What upsets me is that they don’t say anything about women in my situation.  As if women who inadvertently get involved in “stormy” relationships (because no one does it on purpose) should be ignored, forgotten about, brushed aside to make way for those women who happen to be able to plan their pregnancies with their perfect husbands.  As if its women’s responsibility to fix “stormy” relationships so that she can have a healthy baby.

They could have fixed that problem, that awful impression they gave me, with a very simple mention somewhere in the book that it is better for mother and child to be alone than to be in a destructive relationship.  In fact, the book would do well to recognize those mothers who have never been married, because while the book has whole chapters on divorce and the death of a family member, it has not one mention (unless its in one of those two chapters, because I didn’t read them) of women who either had to leave their partners because they were somehow unfit, women who’s partners abandoned them because they didn’t want the responsibility of a child or women who choose to get pregnant on their own because a descent man hasn’t presented himself to them yet.  The book could do well with an update chapter for women like us, instead of willfully ignoring us and furthering society’s perception that we are somehow unworthy, hopeless and shameful.

Other than that (really, its easy to get past all that scathing stuff I said up there, I promise), the book was great.  I like that it covered issues beyond infancy and toddlerhood, and I particularly appreciated the chapters on discipline, sexuality, public schooling and alternative schooling.  I have a lot of fear about what I’m going to do when Elijah gets bigger and I have to start being a “real mom”.  Of course I’m a real mom now, but with a baby its different.  Babies don’t need to be disciplined or taught, and they’re not really going to remember you.  The interaction is just different now, I don’t know how to explain it.  Anyhow, its not important.

I also enjoyed the chapters on Natural (Drug-Free) Childbirth, even though I had already done it and didn’t really need to read about it, circumcision, even though I already chose not to circumcise my son (and actually, I didn’t really enjoy reading the chapter on circumcision, it really grossed me out, and there were parts I had to skip because I was too squeemish to read them, but it made me feel even better about my choice to leave my son intact) the chapters on healthy eating and alternative medicine, and I really loved Chapter 14, What Makes a Healthy Family.

This book, I have a feeling, is going to be a constant reference for me.  Like I said, I didn’t read every chapter.  I didn’t read the chapters on Homeschooling (since that’s just not an option for me), Handling Divorce (since I’d have to be married first) and Handling Death (I’ll get to it when it happens, if it happens).  I also only skimmed through the chapter on adolescence, since I’m pretty far away from that.  This was a pretty hefty book and by the time I got that far I was just wanting to finish it because I wanted to write a review of it.

In short, despite the despicable neglect of single parent households in this book, I would highly recommend it to anyone interested in natural parenting methods, or anyone who just isn’t sure about the stricter, Ferberization methods that are so popular today.  There are many alternatives to the “cry it out” methods.

A few resources June 18, 2008

I have been out of the office all day (and haven’t been able to pump, ouch!) so real quick here, I’m just going to post a few resources for single parents I recently found.

Single Mothers of Color, Denver Chapter  I read about this in a magazine, and I just skimmed it real quick and thought it said Single Mothers of Colorado.  I thought “Ooooh!  I wanna join!” but when I went to the website I realized.  I’m sad.  I have no color.  Except for my freckles.  But it looks like a great resource.

Single Parent Family Outreach  I don’t know if this is just for Colorado or not.  Hmmm.

Warren Village  This looks like it has serious helpful potential

Obama’s speech on dead beat dads June 17, 2008

I’m registered Green, but I’ve got no beef with Obama.  He has, I think we all have to admit, said some pretty kick ass stuff.  I don’t agree with him on everything, but he’s certainly not a bad guy.  I don’t think he’ll make a bad president (I just don’t think he’d be the best president either).  So when I heard some critical remarks about his Father’s Day speech at my Green Party meeting yesterday, I was a little curious as to what he actually said in his speech.

Here’s what all the fuss is about.  “You and I know how true this is in the African-American community. We know that more than half of all black children live in single-parent households, a number that has doubled - doubled - since we were children. “  That’s what Obama said in his speech that struck a lot of people as racist.  I can see where people are coming from on this one, but really, if you read the whole speech, I think people calling it racist are just searching for something to dislike about it.

This is what I hate about politics and why I feel so jaded about it.  Lets just all refuse to take things in context so that we can find as many reasons to hate each other as possible.  Obama was speaking to a primarily black audience, and that one mention of African American single parent homes was obviously a “This is what this speech has to do with you” addition.

For example, I could make a speech about all the drawbacks of driving a Hummer to a bunch of white, upper middle class people.  The white people might be thinking “What does this have to do with me?  What does this have to do with us as a group?”, so it would be a good idea for me to site some sort of reason I’d be making this speech to this group by saying something like “This percentage of white, upper middle class Americans drive hummers, and it affects us in this way.”  Are white people the only ones who drive Hummers?  Of course not.  Are white people the only ones affected by driving Hummers?  Certainly not.  Does it make the speech more relevant to the listeners if I show them how my topic affects them specifically?  Yes it does.  Maybe I’m misinterpreting his speech, but that’s how I took his one comment about black single parent homes. 

Of course, the racism thing aside, thank God someone is finally saying something about men’s responsibilities to their children in a big, public forum.  There was a time in this country when, if a young boy came home and said “Mom, Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant” the parents said “Well, son, you know what you have to do.  You have to take responsibility and marry that girl.”  Now, the parent’s response is more like “You don’t have to marry her!  You don’t even know if that baby is yours!”

Now, while I’m no advocate of getting married just because of a pregnancy this shows a drastic change in attitude towards unplanned pregnancy.  Where as before society told men (or boys, as the case may be) they had to take responsibility, now society tells boys that an unplanned pregnancy is not their problem, and we dump the full burden of what was a joint decision to have sex on the woman, calling her promiscuous by making accusations and doubting paternity with or without cause.  Society is suffering from this change in attitude, and good for Barack Obama for saying so. 

Most politicians want to ignore the problem of males abanoning their responsibilities as fathers.  Most want to quietly ignore how the pattern tends to repeat itself, and how, as the number of children who grow up in forgotten and unsupported single parent households grows, society starts to change to mimic what the majority of us experience growing up.  Family, after all, is the first society we all are exposed to, and how it functions for us as children is how we function in larger society as adults.

Politicians ignore the repercussions of unsupported single parent households because they, like most parents, don’t want their sons to “make mistakes”.  Its easy for sons to walk away from an unplanned pregnancy, not so easy for daughters.  Society’s sons can go about their lives as if the “mistake” was never made, but it still was.  Not only does this harm society, but it actually hurts our sons more than it helps.  Rights exist only in conjunction with responsibility, and by taking away our sons responsibilities, we have taken away their rights as well.

Women are no more foolish than men are when sex results in a pregnancy.  Both parties can take responsibility for birth control or making the decision to abstain from sex.  We are doing our sons a great disservice by not teaching them how to take control of their own reproductive rights and making them responsible for their own birth control.  We treat our boys like they have no control over where their penis takes them, what a horrible way to dis empower our sons.

When we sweep single mothers under the rug and try to pretend that the problem doesn’t exist, we do even greater harm.  Children do not choose their parents, yet we forget and shame them the same way we do their mothers (as if the mothers are deserving of shame).  Single parents need support, from families, communities, and governments.  Not for their sake, but for the sake of their innocent children who, no matter what you may believe about thier parents, did not choose to be in the situation they are in.  If parents and children do not get the support they need, then society will most likely see their children repeating the exact same actions that their parents did.

So thank you, Obama, for bringing it up and not ignoring the problem like so many others do.

 

 

Check this out June 3, 2008

This is good for any expectant mother, but it’s written by a single expectant mother.  I like to hear from single moms, especially single moms at Grist.  I’m trying to figure out how to write a thank you and some words of encouragement to Amy Linn, but I can’t find her name in the staff section on the Grist website.  Huh.

And this is a list of green pregnancy books, of which I’ve only read one.  Maybe I’ll write my own review of it tomorrow.  If I have time.  It sure is busy at work these days.  Pretty good stuff.

The greatest fear of single mothers May 29, 2008

A couple of weeks after I left my ex, I found out he was dating again.  This news broke my heart, not because I wanted him back, but because I was jealous of how easy it was for him to move on.  I wanted to move on.  I wanted to date other people and forget about the awful mistake of a relationship I had just gotten out of.  Maybe I didn’t want to move as quickly as he was (he had professed his undying love to another girl literally two weeks after I left him), but I wanted to be able to, at least.

The problem was that I was already gaining weight.  I felt like crap most of the time, always exhausted or hungry.  I had terrible gas, my skin was a wreck.  I didn’t feel confident enough to go to work, let alone date.  And even if I had felt confident, I was certain no one would want me ever again because I had been stupid enough to get knocked up by such an obvious loser (they’re all obviously losers when the relationship ends, so much so that we forget how wonderful they made themselves seem in the beginning).  He could move on, sleep around, go about his merry day, but he had ruined me, and I would never be worth anything again.

I was a wreck.  Logic, had I been listening to it, would have told me that none of those thoughts were true.  I was not ruined, and even if I were a pizza face for the rest of my pregnancy, that was still only 9 months.  Truth be told, I probably would have stayed single during that whole period even if I hadn’t been pregnant, to heal from the abuse I suffered in the relationship and to evaluate my mistakes so that I wouldn’t make them again.  But the part of my brain that produces logic had either gone on vacation during my first and second trimester, or had been beaten into submission by my raging emotional side, so instead I had to turn to support groups.

The more time I spent in those groups, the more I heard other girls express the same fears I had.  The difference was that when I heard other people express those fears, it sounded irrational (though natural and legitimate).  Slowly, I came to believe that my fears, though natural and legitimate, were also irrational.  After I came to realize this, I was able to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy.

I am still involved in all those single mother support groups (most of them on line groups) and every time there is a new member, she expresses those same fears.  Who’s going to want me now?  My life is over.  Etc.  Worrying about being able to one day find a man who will love us and our children is perhaps the biggest fear of single pregnant women and single mothers (besides the obvious fear of something happening to our children).  But at the same time that this fear is widely shared by single women, there is a certain shame of expressing it anywhere but amongst other single mothers.

Society teaches us that we should be ashamed for having gotten pregnant out of wedlock.  We were, in whatever way, irresponsible, either by failing to use birth control, or choosing a bad partner, or by having premarital sex, and society says we deserve what we get.  Society ignores those who get away with this behavior, it is easy to pretend that they are still pure even though they participate in the same activities because they do not have the evidence of those activities protruding from their abdomen.  But those of us who got pregnant are dirty, foolish, even considered to be evil, and therefore society says that it is wrong and selfish of us to want the same thing every woman wants; to find a man who will love us and raise a family with us.

Oh, that bias is much more subtle now than it was 70 years ago, when unwed pregnant women were shuffled off to “homes”, but it still exists.  Somewhere along the line we were told that a single mother can never have a social life again, and shouldn’t want one because she is a foolish, disgusting, disgrace of a woman.  It is a lie, of course, but its easy to believe when all your friends slowly stop calling, none of them show up to your baby shower, and a sales clerk, noticing your lack of a wedding ring, has the gall to ask why the father hasn’t popped the question yet.

Too many single mothers believe this lie.  They allow themselves to be ashamed of their pasts and of their children.  They don’t go out and meet new people, they don’t make themselves look nice each day, they don’t attempt to excel at their careers or education.  They only thing they do is take care of their children as best as they can, children who society will probably also shun as bastards, so that it can ignore the incredible disservice it’s done to that child by handicapping his already struggling mother with lies.

I am here to remind you, in case your logic center has taken a vacation, that society is lying when it says that you have anything to be ashamed of.  I am here to remind you that society is lying when it claims that those who did not get pregnant, yet still had sex outside of wedlock, are any more pure than you.  I am here to remind you that you brought or are bringing a beautiful life into this world, and you are doing it all on your own, and that is certainly nothing to ever be ashamed of.  Its something to be DAMN PROUD OF!  I am here to tell you that you are still beautiful, you are still lovable, and as you grow as a mother, you will only become more so.

And most of all, I am here to tell you that you can still be a wonderful, caring, hard working and responsible mother, and date.  That’s right.  Single mothers, like all women, can balance dating and everything else in their lives.  You might not be able to date the same way you did when you were single, and you certainly can’t be dating the same kind of guys, but you can still date.  In fact, the kind of dating you can and should be doing now, will be vastly better than the kind of dating you were doing before.

Don’t let that false shame dictate how you shape the rest of your life, and certainly don’t pass that false shame onto your child.  You have the power to shape a happy and fufilling life for you and your family, whether that involves finding a partner to share your family with, or choosing to go it alone.  When you let yourself become handicapped by societies lies, you handicap your child as well.  Teach your child that you are capable of acheiving anything, and your child will believe the same thing about himself.  Let yourself get bogged down, and you bog your child down with you.

I know that every single mother posesses inside her the power to overcome the lies society tells us.  I hope that together, we can make ourselves heard as real, proud, beautiful women and wonderful heads of families.  I hope that by doing so, we can create a better world for our sons and daughters.

Breastfeeding May 28, 2008

I want to say upfront that I’m not writing this in order to pass judgement on those who chose not to breastfeed (and certainly not on those rare women who cannot breastfeed). I just want to talk about the greenest, healthiest, cheapest and easiest way to feed your baby, for those of you who are still working out what you want to do.

My mom claimed that she had no trouble breastfeeding her children, and had no need of a lactation consultant or any advice. For all of the real women out there, I urge you to discuss nursing with any women you know who have nursed, with your doctor/midwife, and when you have your baby, with a lactation consultant. Also, check out a La Leche League meeting, even if you are still pregnant. There is loads of information and support there.

For most women, especially most women in industrialized, first world countries, there is a learning curve to breastfeeding. Its hard to get the baby in the right position, you’re not sure how to get them to latch on properly, it can hurt (it hurts more for some women than it does for others, it didn’t hurt too bad with me, for example, but I have friends who described excrutiating pain). But everyone tells you to hang in there for three weeks before you decide to give up, and they’re totally right. Three weeks seems to be the magic number, everything seems to fall into place after that.

All of the sudden, it just becomes the easiest thing ever.  I’m always amazed to hear women say, “breastfeeding was just too hard”.  Whats hard about it?  If given the choice when my son starts crying for food, do I want to get up, walk into the kitchen, warm up water, measure out formula, mix the formula, make sure its not too hot, then feed him, or do I just want to pull my boob out and stick it in his mouth.  Hmmmm.  Choice number two seems a lot easier to me.  And when I’m going out with my baby somewhere, I’ve got enough things to cart around.  I don’t want to be bringing bottles and crap too.  Afterall, I have to carry around my boobs no matter what.

A lot of women are aprehensive about breastfeeding in public, and I can sympathize.  At first, I went into bathrooms or tried to hide under a blanket too.  But eventually, I figured out how to keep pretty well covered up just by selecting certain clothing and holding my son a certain way.  Do people know what I’m doing?  Probably.  But who cares?  They can’t see anything, and if they think there is something obscene about feeding a baby, they are a pervert who needs to seek mental help and not push their repressed or guilty negativity on me and my son.  Those perverts are the ones who need to hide themselves away from society, not us mothers who are simply feeding our babies the healthiest food available to them.

Ease of use is probably my favorite thing about breastfeeding, but there are lots of other benefits.  First and foremost, you would have to be blind, deaf and living under a rock to not know that breastmilk is the best food for your baby.  Just nutritionally speaking, there is nothing on this planet that is better for babies.  In fact, numerous studies have linked formula to adverse health conditions such as asthma.  Breastmilk, on the other hand, has been linked to nothing but improved health.  I’m sure you’ve been inudated with information about it.  If not, you can surely find information on it anywhere where you can find information about being pregnant or raising a child.  Its everywhere.  And with all the benefits of breastmilk I have read about, I wonder if maybe I shouldn’t be drinking it.  Seriously.  The stuff is uber good for you.  Especially if you are a baby.

Not to mention, breastfeeding helps you to lose the baby weight.  It takes a lot of energy to make milk, which is why you have to eat more calories to maintain your milk production.  If you have a lot of baby weight to lose (like I do, 50 down, thirty more to go) you could, say, only add 400 extra calories to your daily diet, instead of the recommended 500, and watch the weight drop off.  The only time you will eat more than usual and still lose weight is during nursing.  Or if you have some sort of terminal disease.  I think we’d all rather nurse.

Furthermore, has anyone looked at the price of formula lately?  Its outrageously expensive.  Especially when you consider that there is a free alternative hanging off your chest.  Did I mention that alternative is better for the baby than formula is? 

Breastfeeding is awesome!  I love it!  Its a nice way to bond with and cuddle with my son, its the easiest and cleanest way to feed him, and at night, when he wakes up to eat, all I have to do is scoot him over, latch him on, and fall back asleep.  Easy as pie, doesn’t take more than a minute.  Thanks to breastfeeding and cosleeping (I’ll write about that later), I’ve been getting pretty much a full nights sleep every night since my son was two months old.

If nothing else, breastfeeding is super green, because theres no food thats more local than the milk strait from the tap.

Of course, going back to work can be challenging to breastfeeding.  Employers don’t always make it easy for you to pump, it can be difficult carting all the stuff for a pump around, and there’s no garunteeing that you will be able to pump as much as your baby needs (I can’t.  A pump is not as efficient at removing the milk from your breasts as a baby is, so you don’t get as much out with the pump.  Also, your milk production works on a supply and demand basis, and your body may adjust to making less during the work day, as mine has done.  We supplement with formula while he is in daycare during the day).  I encourage you to work through it.  I work through it because I know if I stop nursing, I’m going to have to cut a lot of calories out of my diet to lose the rest of this baby weight (and I love to eat).  Also, I like the time I spend with my son while nursing.

Here in Colorado, Gov. Ritter recently passed a law saying that employers have to provide a place other than a bathroom stall for nursing mothers to pump.  Check the laws in your state, there may be something similar.  If nothing else, continue nursing in the evenings.  Nursing is a special time between you and your baby, and it provides not only nutritional benefits, but also emotional benefits.

Well, it took me all day to write this post today, because I’ve been very busy at work.  Now its time for me to go and pick up my son from day care, so I can “feed him the boobie” as we like to say around my home.  If you have anything to add about breastfeeding, post it in the comments!