Checked out July 24, 2008

I have been having the hardest time the past few weeks.  I’m tired of my full time job, I’m hoping I can quit it soon and go back to being a traditional Guardsman (that means I’ll only do my one weekend a month and two weeks in the summer, as opposed to being in uniform all the time, like I am now).  I’m dieing to go back to school full time (I was not cut out for online classes, especially not online science classes).  I’m sick of my hour long commute.

A friend of mine wrote to me a few days ago and said he had “Senioritus” (the condition that seniors get a month or two before graduating) because he was quitting his job in a few days to go back to grad school, and his head just wasn’t in it anymore.  I guess I’m experiencing the same thing, only I don’t know if I can quit my job to go back to school full time, so I really shouldn’t be feeling this way.  I also have just lost motivation for my work in general, and its affecting the quality of my work.

I hate my job.  It blows dogs for quarters.  They’ve been really supportive of me through my pregnancy and everything, but I have no benefits, no opportunity for advancement, and I’m not taken seriously around here anymore.  Its time to move on.

Plus I’ve been under a lot of stress lately.  My daycare provider fell ill and is no longer going to be able to care for Elijah.  I’m sad, mainly because Elijah loves her so much, and I felt so good about leaving him there.  I also feel bad because she is going to be moving in with her daughter now, and I know that she doesn’t want to lose her independence.  I am very glad that she is not seriously ill though.  She was in the hospital for a while, and we were really worried about her.

Also, Elijah is sleeping worse and worse at night.  I’m working on getting him to sleep better, but its hard.  A bunch of people recommended the No Cry Sleep Solution to me, and it seems pretty good so far (I’ll write a book review on it once I can report as to how well the solutions it presents works), but I’m worried that Elijah is one of those babies the book talks about that will never sleep through the night until I move him to his own bed/crib.  Some nights I think it would be really nice to have my bed to myself again, but I know I’d miss snuggling up to him.

There are other issues stressing me out as well, but I don’t want to write about them for fear they will jinx me.  I’m a very superstitious person.  Hopefully I will be able to report on some of them tomorrow.

Anyway, my brain is just not in it today.  Nor has it been in a week or so.  I’m totally checked out. If I could lay in bed all day and snuggle my son, I would.  Seriously.

Wow, there’s a streak on my computer screen that’s shaped like a penis.  That’s weird.

Everyone, please, say a prayer or whatever for me to be able to quit my job after the DNC and go back to school full time.  If I finish my degree, I can get out of the Army.  I want out.  I want to stop worrying about how many push ups I can do (its not much).  I want to re-pierce my nose and start wearing ear rings again.  I want to have the weekend of my birthday off every year (I always, always, always have drill over my birthday weekend).  I don’t want to leave my son for a year to deploy. 

Plus, and I almost hate to write this down for the whole world to see, but I know I’ll never get married if I stay in the military.  Marriage isn’t my top priority, or anything, and God knows I certainly don’t want to go rushing into anything, but one day I’d like to get married and have more kids.  I don’t want to marry a man in the military because there is too much adultery going on in the military.  Sorry to all you service members who are faithful.  You know that, sadly, you are vastly outnumbered.  I don’t want to take chances with that one.  The trouble is, not a lot of civilian dudes are willing to wait around for a chick during their deployment.  So there, I said it.  I want to get out so I have a chance of getting married one day.

I need to get some glass cleaner for my screen, this is really bothering me.

My message to all the men in the world July 22, 2008

When I was deployed in 2004-05, I was outnumbered by men 75 to 1.  Despite this staggering ratio, nearly every man I was deployed with expected that they would hook up with someone while they were there (marital status - theirs or the women they were after - was of little consequence to them).  More astounding than that, many of the men looking to hook up would accept nothing less than the five or so women in our camp who were remarkably, exceedingly beautiful. 

What in gods name, I wondered, could lead these men to believe they could achieve their sexual goals?  I mean, if I were in a room with 74 other women and Brad Pitt, I would not expect to be the one to hook up with him.  I mean, my odds seem pretty slim to begin with, not to mention I am aware of the fact that I’m not exactly in Brad Pitt’s league.  Do men not have that same reasoning process that I have?

Apparently not.  Since I began paying attention to men and society at large (which, like it or not, is still run by men) one thing has become abundantly clear to me.  The vast majority of men, fat or thin, tall or short, rich or poor, believe there is something special about them.  They believe that there is some super signal emanating from them that sets them apart from all the rest of the retards in the world (who, incidentally, believe they too are somehow “special”), and will somehow enable them to hook up with whatever super hot chick they desire.  They believe that no woman could possibly resist them, and every woman they encounter wants nothing more than to be lucky enough for him to choose her to sleep with.

Men must be delusional. 

Earth to all the men in the world, you are no Adonis (those of you who are, there’s probably something else wrong with you, so don’t get all smug yet).  Furthermore, no matter how many young, hot women you see with men who are old, fat, balding, dorky, piggish or some combination of these traits, on TV, in real life women actually do give a shit what their partner looks like … just like you do.

Are we shallow?  No more so than men are.  In fact, women will make acceptions to the rules of physical attraction if a man has wealth or power, men usually are on only one track when it comes to being shallow.  Women are also usually more aware of what league they are in, where as men all seem to think they’re the cream of the crop.

I can sort of see where men get this idea from.  On TV, all the time, I see really beautiful women paired with really average (or less) men.  And boys aren’t bombarded with the kind of self-loathing propaganda that girls are from a young age.  But you would think that a year or two after puberty the truth would become clear.  Girls, just like boys, want to have a mate who is at least as attractive as they are.  If a man is not going to be attractive, he better have something else to offer, most often money, power or fame.

There are women out there who don’t care if you’re an ugly, jobless pig, of course.  These are women who feel so shitty about themselves that they’ll settle for anything.  Rest assured, if you are an ugly, jobless pig, the only women you’re getting are settling, and you are “anything”.  (In all fairness, that is a two way street, the only men who will date a woman who is an ugly, bitchy pig is one that feels so shitty about himself he’ll settle for anything.)  Women who feel that shitty about themselves usually have good reasons, of course, an ugly, jobless pig isn’t settling when he hooks up with that kind of woman;  that’s the best he can do.

See, here’s the point of all this.  I have seen a lot of really nice, wonderful, average looking guys completely overlook really nice, wonderful, average looking girls who are totally into them, just because they think they can get a super model.  Then I hear them bitching that all women are shallow.  Yeah, all the women you’re going after are shallow.  So are you.  If you want women to overlook your physical imperfections, you sure as hell better be willing to overlook a few yourself.

I also have seen a lot of really good guys who take awful care of themselves get turned down again and again, then complain that women are shallow.  But really, would you want to date a woman as slobby as you are?  Not only is total unkemptness (physically or in your life in general) a turnoff, but its also terribly disrespectful.  When you are a slob all the time, what you’re telling women is that she should have no standards, that she should spread her legs for what ever disgusting slob comes around.  I’m not saying you should always look perfect or that you should go metrosexual, but putting a little effort forth more often than not makes a big difference in the eyes of women.  I mean, I dig a dude in flannel, and he doesn’t have to shave every day, but I think he should know the appropriate times to clean up and he should do so nicely (jeans are not formal wear).

So listen up, all the men in the world, unless you’re in a situation where the men outnumber the women 75 to 1 (if you are, you’re pretty much screwed), there is something you can do to increase your chances of hooking up with awesome, beautiful women.  Expand your definition of what beautiful is, beautiful women come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and styles.  Put a little effort into making yourself physically attractive, you might up your playing field a little.  Put a little extra effort into having other traits to offer women, such as stability and support, being a handyman or good with kids, or having a great sense of humor.

Women try really hard to be the best that they can for the man who is lucky enough to be chosen by her.  We expect the same out of you.

The greatest fear of single mothers May 29, 2008

A couple of weeks after I left my ex, I found out he was dating again.  This news broke my heart, not because I wanted him back, but because I was jealous of how easy it was for him to move on.  I wanted to move on.  I wanted to date other people and forget about the awful mistake of a relationship I had just gotten out of.  Maybe I didn’t want to move as quickly as he was (he had professed his undying love to another girl literally two weeks after I left him), but I wanted to be able to, at least.

The problem was that I was already gaining weight.  I felt like crap most of the time, always exhausted or hungry.  I had terrible gas, my skin was a wreck.  I didn’t feel confident enough to go to work, let alone date.  And even if I had felt confident, I was certain no one would want me ever again because I had been stupid enough to get knocked up by such an obvious loser (they’re all obviously losers when the relationship ends, so much so that we forget how wonderful they made themselves seem in the beginning).  He could move on, sleep around, go about his merry day, but he had ruined me, and I would never be worth anything again.

I was a wreck.  Logic, had I been listening to it, would have told me that none of those thoughts were true.  I was not ruined, and even if I were a pizza face for the rest of my pregnancy, that was still only 9 months.  Truth be told, I probably would have stayed single during that whole period even if I hadn’t been pregnant, to heal from the abuse I suffered in the relationship and to evaluate my mistakes so that I wouldn’t make them again.  But the part of my brain that produces logic had either gone on vacation during my first and second trimester, or had been beaten into submission by my raging emotional side, so instead I had to turn to support groups.

The more time I spent in those groups, the more I heard other girls express the same fears I had.  The difference was that when I heard other people express those fears, it sounded irrational (though natural and legitimate).  Slowly, I came to believe that my fears, though natural and legitimate, were also irrational.  After I came to realize this, I was able to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy.

I am still involved in all those single mother support groups (most of them on line groups) and every time there is a new member, she expresses those same fears.  Who’s going to want me now?  My life is over.  Etc.  Worrying about being able to one day find a man who will love us and our children is perhaps the biggest fear of single pregnant women and single mothers (besides the obvious fear of something happening to our children).  But at the same time that this fear is widely shared by single women, there is a certain shame of expressing it anywhere but amongst other single mothers.

Society teaches us that we should be ashamed for having gotten pregnant out of wedlock.  We were, in whatever way, irresponsible, either by failing to use birth control, or choosing a bad partner, or by having premarital sex, and society says we deserve what we get.  Society ignores those who get away with this behavior, it is easy to pretend that they are still pure even though they participate in the same activities because they do not have the evidence of those activities protruding from their abdomen.  But those of us who got pregnant are dirty, foolish, even considered to be evil, and therefore society says that it is wrong and selfish of us to want the same thing every woman wants; to find a man who will love us and raise a family with us.

Oh, that bias is much more subtle now than it was 70 years ago, when unwed pregnant women were shuffled off to “homes”, but it still exists.  Somewhere along the line we were told that a single mother can never have a social life again, and shouldn’t want one because she is a foolish, disgusting, disgrace of a woman.  It is a lie, of course, but its easy to believe when all your friends slowly stop calling, none of them show up to your baby shower, and a sales clerk, noticing your lack of a wedding ring, has the gall to ask why the father hasn’t popped the question yet.

Too many single mothers believe this lie.  They allow themselves to be ashamed of their pasts and of their children.  They don’t go out and meet new people, they don’t make themselves look nice each day, they don’t attempt to excel at their careers or education.  They only thing they do is take care of their children as best as they can, children who society will probably also shun as bastards, so that it can ignore the incredible disservice it’s done to that child by handicapping his already struggling mother with lies.

I am here to remind you, in case your logic center has taken a vacation, that society is lying when it says that you have anything to be ashamed of.  I am here to remind you that society is lying when it claims that those who did not get pregnant, yet still had sex outside of wedlock, are any more pure than you.  I am here to remind you that you brought or are bringing a beautiful life into this world, and you are doing it all on your own, and that is certainly nothing to ever be ashamed of.  Its something to be DAMN PROUD OF!  I am here to tell you that you are still beautiful, you are still lovable, and as you grow as a mother, you will only become more so.

And most of all, I am here to tell you that you can still be a wonderful, caring, hard working and responsible mother, and date.  That’s right.  Single mothers, like all women, can balance dating and everything else in their lives.  You might not be able to date the same way you did when you were single, and you certainly can’t be dating the same kind of guys, but you can still date.  In fact, the kind of dating you can and should be doing now, will be vastly better than the kind of dating you were doing before.

Don’t let that false shame dictate how you shape the rest of your life, and certainly don’t pass that false shame onto your child.  You have the power to shape a happy and fufilling life for you and your family, whether that involves finding a partner to share your family with, or choosing to go it alone.  When you let yourself become handicapped by societies lies, you handicap your child as well.  Teach your child that you are capable of acheiving anything, and your child will believe the same thing about himself.  Let yourself get bogged down, and you bog your child down with you.

I know that every single mother posesses inside her the power to overcome the lies society tells us.  I hope that together, we can make ourselves heard as real, proud, beautiful women and wonderful heads of families.  I hope that by doing so, we can create a better world for our sons and daughters.

Feminism May 21, 2008

I know I said I was going to write in more detail about my responsible eating goals, but real quick first I want to touch on something else entirely.

Feminism.

I don’t know why this is perceived by so many as such a bad word.  I mean, I can kind of understand why men don’t like it (though not really, if they stopped to think about what it really means), but I cannot for the life of me fathom why women would be opposed to the concept.  I can only guess that its because of some gross misunderstanding of the word.

Let me lay a few things out.  First of all, feminism does not mean that I want to grow a dick and beat down the natural born men with it.  It does not mean that I hate men, or want to become like a man, or that I don’t want men around.  Feminism doesn’t mean any of these things, for your information I LOVE men, I LOVE being a woman, and if I grew a dick I’d be horrified (although it might be cool to be able to pee standing up while camping). 

All feminism really means is that I want equal pay for equal work.  It means that I want the right to vote, drive, get an education and anything else needed to provide for myself and my family.  It means that I should be able to marry who ever I want, and that I get to decide when, how and if I want to have children.  And it means that if someone beats me, rapes me, or in any other way abuses me (or my children) I should have a right to press charges, even if that person is my husband.

I don’t think there are many people left in the first world who are not feminists.  Even the people who use the term derogatorily are, for the most part, feminists.  Even Anne Coulter is a feminist.  If she weren’t, she wouldn’t be on TV blasting her bull horn or writing books.  She would be at home taking care of her children, whipping up a three course meal and blowing her husband.  She would do nothing else with her miserable, angry life.

Not that I’m saying that taking care of your children, whipping up a three course meal, and blowing your husband are bad things.  These are great things to do, things I enjoy doing (except for that last one, since I obviously don’t have a husband to blow).  But I choose to do them.  I do not allow anyone to force me to do these things.  That makes me a feminist.

Oh, I still love to dress up pretty, wear sexy lingerie, shave my legs (actually, I prefer to wax, but I just cant find the time since my son’s been born).  But I’m still a feminist.  I prefer a man who will take charge, take me out for dates (which means he pays), and opens doors for me.  But I’m still a feminist.  I expect to be treated like a princess - not property - and in return, I fully intend to treat any man I’m with like a king.

Because another thing that feminsim does not mean is that men no longer have to work.  Sorry boys, but if anything, it means you have to work more.  In a day when women can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan, men really aren’t worth much of anything unless they are contributing at least as much as we are to the household, either in money or in house work.  Frankly, since women these days are expected to contribute both financially and through housework, I expect a man to contribute to both as well.  Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer to stick to classic gender roles and my contribution can be heavier on the housework side if his is heavier on the finances side, but whatever way you want to swing it is fine, as long as both sides are contributing. (which makes me think of something I’d like to blog more about later, the priceless value of being a stay at home parent) 

Just like no man wants to marry a woman who doesn’t work or keep up the house (unless she’s really hot and horny) no woman wants to marry a man who doesn’t work or keep up the house (unless he’s really hot and horny.  What?  Women like sex with hot partners too).  Honestly, if we want to sleep with something that doesn’t bring in an income or take care of the house, we can sleep with a vibrator.  It will get us off more reliably and we don’t have to talk to it when we’re done with it.

Honestly, I don’t know why so many people have a problem with this “Lets help each other out” philosphy that is feminism.  Is there really a man out there that doesn’t want a wife who’s going to take over half of the work of living?  Isn’t that the whole point of getting into a long term relationship, to combine strengths in order to make living easier?  Its just that now, thanks to feminism, women have more options for how they want to contribute to the household.  There is nothing saying they have to do any of them, feminism just means we now have the right to choose between them.

 

PS  Seriously, does anyone even know who Anne Coulter’s husband is?  Man, that dude is pussy whipped, isn’t he?  I mean, maybe he’s famous too and I’m just not up on the conservative radical superstars, but who is at home taking care of her kids while she’s out being a loudmouth?  I can only assume its him.  That’s not very anti feminist of her, is it?

PPS  Wait a minute.  Does she even have kids?  I thought I heard that she does, but I don’t know.  I’ve got to confess that I don’t listen to her much.  But you’d think someone so anti feminist should be more submissive to her husband and would show up pregnant more often.  Theres a whole slew of insults I could get into on that one, but I’m going to let it go for today.

 

Green up the purchases you already make tip #4 - Green your drinks May 16, 2008

Okay, this is more of a networking source, and its not really a purchase, but I filed it here anyhow because you will purchase something while participating.   This really makes no sense, but it would if I weren’t backing into it.

Green Drinks

Its a group of people interested in green living who get together for happy hour one day a month all around the world.  You don’t pay for membership or anything, just go to the site and figure out when and where your local chapter is meeting, then show up.  Then you buy drinks.  So see, what I’m writing about isn’t a purchase, but you purchase things when you get there.  See?  Ah, its a stupid point.

Anyhow, here in Denver they meet on the last Thursday of the month at Double Daughters.  I am going to try to be there, but my sister is due to have a baby the day before, and the minute she goes into labor my mom and I are dropping everything we are doing and driving out to Missouri to be with her.  Hopefully we will be there in time for the birth and for a week afterwards.  As you all know, there’s really no way to tell when a baby is going to decide to come, so we could be gone on the last Thursday of this month.  Who knows?

Also, if there are no posts for a week suddenly, now you’ll all know why.

Why being green is so great for single moms May 3, 2008

Okay, so some of my readers may have noticed that I blog much more about living green than I do about being a single mom.  This is partially because I’ve been an environmentalist much longer than I’ve been a single mom.  I’ve only been a single mom five months now (a little over a year, if you count my pregnancy in there - I wasn’t single through my entire pregnancy), but ever since I first read 50 Simple Things a Kid Can Do to Save the Earth in the 1st grade I’ve been passionate about our planet.  I don’t remember who gave me that book, either.

But another reason why I blog more about living green than I do about being a single mother is because I believe the two subjects are inseparable.  That is to say, of all the people living green has the most benefits for, single mothers are near the top of the list (our kids, I’m afraid, hold the top slot).

There are two main reasons for this.  First, most single moms don’t want to stay single forever, and second, most single moms can use all the help they can get financially.  Living green helps you to get and stay in great shape, which (unfortunately, we live in a shallow society that values looks over personality, education, success and kindness - particularly in women) helps you out in the dating department.  And living green, if done correctly, is much cheaper than living whatever color not green is.  Brown, like smog?  I don’t know.

A few examples:

Biking and walking are great exercise.  And the more you bike and walk instead of driving, the more money you save on gas, maintenance for your car, and you help the car keep its value better by keeping miles off the car.

Growing some of your own food will save you butt loads in groceries, especially with food prices on the rise.  The more you grow, the more you save.  Plus, eating more of those home grown fruits and veggies means less junk food, and gardening, like biking, is great exercise.  And for those of you who don’t have yards, just about anything can be grown on a pot on your deck, or even indoors, and if that doesn’t work for you, look into community gardening opportunities, which helps you to get out and meet people, potentially single men, or people who can hook you up with single men.

Planting native grass seeds means less watering and maintainance, saving you money on utilities.  Mowing that lawn with a push mower is great exercise and saves you on fuel for a power motor.  Keeping that lawn small minimizes water useage even more, and minimizes your time mowing.

Avoiding plastics minimizes your exposure to BPA, which can mimic estrogen in your system and cause you to gain weight or make the baby weight more difficult to use.  Using natural alternatives to things like drier sheets, glass cleaner, lotion, etc., will reduce your exposure to pthaylates, which have similar affects.  I’ll talk more about natural alternatives later, because buying green brands can be more expensive, but there are ways to do it even more naturally and more cheaper.

Not to mention how much doing these things increases your childs health, sets a good example for them to be physically active, pleasantly social, socially responsible, and helps to leave them a world thats sill nice.  Because the most important thing to single mothers, more than not staying single or saving money, is the health, well being, and happiness of our children.

Green up the purchases you already make tip #3: Green up your online dating April 24, 2008

Okay, so I don’t know if the business practices of this company are any more or less sustainable than Chemistry.com, Match.com, or hotcasualsex.com (I made that last one up, if it really exists I bear no responsibility for whats on there), but I do know that this is a dating site targeted towards green minded people such as ourselves.  Plus, its way cheaper than all those other dating sites.

www.greensingles.com

I have yet to meet anyone off this site, so lets spread the word a little, shall we?

My message to all women in the world April 24, 2008

I’m going to say something now that I wish all women everywhere could hear.

If a man has a child that he does not provide for, he is not a good person.

There is no exception to this.

Now, of course, he is going to tell you that she took the kids away and won’t let him see them.  Thats bull shit.  No woman does that unless she
a) thinks he is a danger to her child
b) has kidnapped the child, in which case the father should report her to the authorities and an amber alert should be put out
c) the father is a bum who does not work and the mother knows she’s got a better chance of winning the Nobel Prize for Physics than she does of getting child support from him, so she’d rather keep his name off the birth certificate so that if she marries a descent man one day, her child can potentially be adopted

It is more likely that the mother has not seen or heard from the father in so long that he has moved and she doesn’t know where to find him to drag his dead beat ass into court for child support (and if you are a single mother who is in this situation, I cannot stress to you enough how important it is that you go down to your local court house and see about filing a complaint or something, in some states a warrant for your ex’s arrest will be issued).

If a man cares about his children and wants to see them, he can take the mother into court.  Its pretty simple.  If he hasn’t done that, it is either because he doesn’t care about his child, he doesn’t want to pay child support, or some combination of the two.  There are no exceptions to this. 

If she really has run off and hid with the children, and he is making attempts to contact her and to pay child support, but she’s just disappeared, thats called parental kidnapping, and the mother can be put in prison for that.  He needs to file a police report.  If this is his story, but he hasn’t pressed criminal charges, he is full of shit.  There are no exceptions to this.

There is no excuse for having never paid child support, or for not having paid child support for more than a year.  There are no exceptions to this.  No financial situation exempts you from your responsibility to your child, and the amount of child support you are required to pay is based off of your income and your reasonable living expenses.

I knew a guy once who paid child support regularly, but then lost his job and shortly after was horrifically injured so that he could not find a job again for over a year.  While he was unable to work, he actively pursued government aid so that his childs needs could still be met through welfare, even if it was not as much aid as his child support provided.  He continued to make contact with the child, continued to send him birthday and christmas cards, his family maintained contact with the child.  As soon as he got a job again he re established child support payments and worked on making back payments.  Thats what a man does who cares about his child and is, for whatever reasons, temorarily unable to make child support payments.  If a man claims something happened to stop him from making his payments, but is not doing something like this, he is full of shit.

Once paternity has been legally established, a mother does not have the right to deny a father visitation because he isn’t making child support payments.  If a man claims that the mother of his child has done this, he can take her to court and she can be held in contempt of court.  However, once paternity has been legally established, a mother does have the right to take the father of her child to court for not paying child support, and he too can be held in contempt of court, and even imprisoned.  When a man who is not paying child support takes a woman to court for denying him visitation, chances are that they will both be in trouble.

If his ex is really such an awful person and a bad mother and using his child support to buy things for herself instead of using it on food and shelter for her child, then he needs to take her to court and attempt to get primary or full custody.  If he does not do this, and instead knowingly chooses to leave his child with an unfit provider, he is just as bad as she is.

Chance are the real reason why a man does not take his ex to court for custody of his child is because he knows he will lose.  He may even be found to be unfit himself (usually mothers have really, really good reasons for cutting a father out of her childs life), and will end up being forced to pay child support even though he doesn’t have any rights to visitation.

I know how easy it is to fall into that trap with a guy who doesn’t provide for his child.  I did it myself not so long ago.  Oh, but he’s so nice, so sweet, so loving, it must be killing him not to be with his child.  Trust me, if it were killing him, he’d do something about it.

People who have children do not have the luxury of living however the hell they want.  People who have children fight and sacrifice and work to make sure their children are provided for, even if it sucks and they hate their lives.  They do this because they care about their child more than anything.  If a man does not do this, he doesn’t care.  And a person who doesn’t care about their child has something wrong with them mentally, emotionally, and biologically.

Think about it.  If a woman with a child were to say, “You know, I can’t really afford it right now, so I’m just not going to buy my kid any food.  I’m sure they’ll get food somehow.” or “You know, I just have other things I want to do with my life, and can’t make any time to check in on, watch or even talk to my child.  I’m sure they’ll fend for themselves.” she would be sent to prison for child abandonment.  Not only that, but a woman who behaves in this manner is considered to be mentally ill.  But for some reason, our society says its okay for men to behave this way.  In my opinion, a man who behaves this way is not any different than a woman who behaves this way.  He is mentally ill, and should be imprisoned for child abandonment.

I don’t care how grand his stories sound, there is NO EXCUSE for not paying child support and keeping regular contact with your child.  The definition of a dead beat dad is one who does not pay child support or maintain contact with his children.  If he does not pay child support and/or does not maintain regular contact with his children, he is a dead beat dad.  End of story.  Dead beat dads, no matter how nice they may seem, DO NOT make good boyfriends, husbands or business partners.  At least I wouldn’t do business with a dead beat dad.

I have heard every excuse in the book, from the common “She won’t let me see the kids cause she’s evil, boo, hiss” to “He can’t pay child support because he is too sick!”.  Its all lies to cover up the fact that he is a lazy ass dead beat who doesn’t care about his own flesh and blood.  His children could be starving right now.  He doesn’t care.  He doesn’t even check to see if they are still alive.

I know you think your situation is different.  That you are the one person in the world who is somehow different than the rest of these retards.  I thought that once too.  Then when I realized the truth, and I was knocked up, alone, being stalked and threatened by the very man that only a few short months before I had thought was such a nice and sweet guy, I thought I must have been the stupidest person in the world.  How stupid I was to believe that it was his ex’s fault he didn’t see his child.  How stupid I was to over look the glaringly obvious gaps in his story, like why didn’t he ever take his ex to court?  Why didn’t he ever attempt to set up legal child support payments, in order to protect his own rights and financial resources?  Now that I’m active in many single mother support groups I realize just how many other young woman stupidly believe the same, lame lies that I believed.  I don’t know if it makes me feel better to know that I’m not the only one who bought that same stupid lie that dead beat dads tell their new girlfriends, or if it made me feel worse to know that more women after me are likely to do the same thing.  Probably even with the exact same man that I did it with.  And maybe he’ll have more children he will never provide for.

Please, if there is no other thing of worth I have to say in this life time, heed this bit of advice.  Men who do not provide for their children are bad people.  Do not, do not, do not make the same mistake I did and get involved with a man like that.  If you are involved with a man and find out that he has a child he does not provide for, break up with him immediately!  Because if you find yourself pregnant by that man he is going to care just as much about you and your child as he does about his first child.

List of Musts March 12, 2008

My last boyfriend was, well, a creep.  I don’t want to go into a bitch fest about him, so lets leave it at that. 

Now that I’m entering the dating scene again, I have made an attempt to list a set of “musts” that I think will help me to make sure I’m with a nice guy.  These “musts” are all things that I expect of myself as well, so I don’t think its asking for too much.  I think this list is a good list for anyone (men or women) to reference and apply to their own lives, so I’ve tried to write it in a manner that everyone can use.  Just replace the Hes with Shes if you’re looking to date a chick.

#1.  He must have a job - I don’t care if its a terribly high paying job, but he must have some sort of job that allows him to support himself in a socially acceptable manner, read - be able to keep a roof over his head and food on his table.  Also, I should hope that this job is one he enjoys, at least mildly, because a person who is happy at work is happy away from work, and I like to be around happy people.  If his current job is not what he intends to do with his life, I expect that he is taking steps (college, job training, etc.), to eventually be doing what he wants to do with his life.  The only exception to this is if the guy is somehow independently wealthy.  Even this I would approach with caution, because I like a man who is somehow contributing to society.  Some lazy, trust-fund baby isn’t going to do it for me.

#2.  He must not have addiction problems.  I think the reasons behind this are obvious.  For me, this also includes must not be a drug user.  I do not like drugs, and have a very low tolerance of them.  People who are recovering from addiction problems, naturally, can be very nice people, and although they can be somewhat riskier than people with no addiction problems, it might just be worth the risk.  Proceed with caution, but do not exclude them entirely.

#3.   He must have a car.  There are a few exceptions to this rule, if he lives in a crowded city, like New York, I think there are more reasons not to have a car than to have one.  I certainly would not own a car if I lived in New York.  I live in Denver, and I suppose if you live downtown you might be able to get away with not owning a car, but a person who makes this life choice (which I totally respect) better not be expecting me to drive them everywhere just because I do have a car.  You make the choice to walk, bike, etc., and you should stick to it.  I am nobody’s taxi … except for my son.

#4.  Fathers to illegitimate children for whom they do not provide are a no go.  And don’t give me that crap about the mother of your child is a bitch who won’t let you see your child, I’ve fallen for that shit before and I know better now.  No mother denies a man the chance to see his child unless there are very good reasons (usually abuse or addiction problems).  If there aren’t good reasons, you should certainly take the initiative to take her to court for your custodial rights.  If you haven’t done this, I can only assume it’s because there is a good reason for her to cut you out of her child’s life and you know you’ll lose in court, or you are a dead beat dad who just doesn’t want to pay child support.  Either way, if this is you, you are an asshole and I think you should be sterilized.  Similarly, a mother who does not take good care of her children should be steered clear from.  She has severe mental issues for which she needs professional help.

#5.  He must be looking for the same thing that I am in a relationship.  I am looking for something serious, but I don’t by any means want to rush into anything.  Naturally, I do not want to waste my time pursuing someone who just wants casual sex, nor do I want to get involved with someone who has a goal to marry as quickly as possible.  Also, I would like to have more children one day, so a dude who has gotten a vasectomy is not a good idea for me (for the record, a guy who naturally is unable to have children would still be an option for me, so long as he would like to have kids, because I would also love to adopt one day).  If you do not want children ever, that’s kind of a big deal, so you should probably find someone who also shares that life goal.

#6.   He must have similar values to me.  I’m not saying we have to agree 100% on everything, but, for example, I am very liberal and I don’t think things would work out well between me and an ultra conservative.  I do not think things would work out well between me and a racist, or me and a homophobe.  Those traits just don’t jive with my life style, and my traits probably wouldn’t jive well with their life styles either. 

#7.  He must have some kind of Faith.  For me, a guy with some sort of spirituality is important.  I think having a measure of spirituality shows that you are able to focus on and be part of things outside of and bigger than yourself.  A lack of Faith shows, well, a lack of faith.  If your whole life is dedicated to just working your way to the point when you die, if you are unwilling to commit yourself to something bigger than yourself - whatever you may believe that is - I think that you are likely a very self absorbed, and frankly a small minded person.  I am a Christian, but I do not believe that it is the only Faith out there that has meaning.  I would be open to a person of any Faith (so long as they are open to mine … and others).  Faith does not mean religion, necessarily, either.  Although I prefer the religious type, Faith can be found in a discipline or providing selfless service as well.  I do not, however, consider it to be Faith if you are one of these people who says you are “spiritual, not religious” and proceeds to prove this by burning some incense and putting a Buddha statue somewhere in your living room.  That is not faith.  No, you don’t have to go to a religious institution every week, but you do have to show some kind of dedication to your Faith that extends beyond decorating or one little, trendy practice, like burning incense.  Sorry.

#8.  He must be nice.  Now, of course, not everyone is nice all the time and it would be totally unrealistic for me to expect that (not to mention hypocritical, because I am certainly not nice all the time).  But for the most part he should not ever go out of his way to hurt someone, he should be cognisant of other peoples feelings and needs, and should try to follow the golden rule as much as possible.  Being nice just for the sake of the person you are trying to impress is not going to cut it.  Good manners are included in being nice, but good manners alone don’t cut it either.  I’ve known a lot of boys who are always complaining that girls don’t ever go after nice guys, but these guys complaining in reality aren’t actually so nice at all.  They put on an act of forced chivalry, at best.  Most of the time they suck even at that.  Also, there is a difference between being nice and being a pussy.  Nice people stand up to injustice when they see it, whether its to protect yourself or a loved one from getting screwed over by a scamming salesman, stopping to help someone in trouble, or making a statement with your wallet.  Nice people do something.

#9.  He must live in the middle ground between being too clingy and too independent.  Calling you more than once a day just to chat is clingy.  On the flip side, if I don’t hear from someone in three weeks, I assume I’m dumped and move on.  There’s a reasonable middle ground there, and I think its a pretty wide area to reside in.

 I compiled my list of musts through my own experience and through that of friends.  I think its pretty good, don’t you?  Of course, it is kind of embarrassing that I’ve had to make this list, based on prior experience, but I think its a list that other people would do well to read as well, so at least I’m not alone.