Checked out July 24, 2008

I have been having the hardest time the past few weeks.  I’m tired of my full time job, I’m hoping I can quit it soon and go back to being a traditional Guardsman (that means I’ll only do my one weekend a month and two weeks in the summer, as opposed to being in uniform all the time, like I am now).  I’m dieing to go back to school full time (I was not cut out for online classes, especially not online science classes).  I’m sick of my hour long commute.

A friend of mine wrote to me a few days ago and said he had “Senioritus” (the condition that seniors get a month or two before graduating) because he was quitting his job in a few days to go back to grad school, and his head just wasn’t in it anymore.  I guess I’m experiencing the same thing, only I don’t know if I can quit my job to go back to school full time, so I really shouldn’t be feeling this way.  I also have just lost motivation for my work in general, and its affecting the quality of my work.

I hate my job.  It blows dogs for quarters.  They’ve been really supportive of me through my pregnancy and everything, but I have no benefits, no opportunity for advancement, and I’m not taken seriously around here anymore.  Its time to move on.

Plus I’ve been under a lot of stress lately.  My daycare provider fell ill and is no longer going to be able to care for Elijah.  I’m sad, mainly because Elijah loves her so much, and I felt so good about leaving him there.  I also feel bad because she is going to be moving in with her daughter now, and I know that she doesn’t want to lose her independence.  I am very glad that she is not seriously ill though.  She was in the hospital for a while, and we were really worried about her.

Also, Elijah is sleeping worse and worse at night.  I’m working on getting him to sleep better, but its hard.  A bunch of people recommended the No Cry Sleep Solution to me, and it seems pretty good so far (I’ll write a book review on it once I can report as to how well the solutions it presents works), but I’m worried that Elijah is one of those babies the book talks about that will never sleep through the night until I move him to his own bed/crib.  Some nights I think it would be really nice to have my bed to myself again, but I know I’d miss snuggling up to him.

There are other issues stressing me out as well, but I don’t want to write about them for fear they will jinx me.  I’m a very superstitious person.  Hopefully I will be able to report on some of them tomorrow.

Anyway, my brain is just not in it today.  Nor has it been in a week or so.  I’m totally checked out. If I could lay in bed all day and snuggle my son, I would.  Seriously.

Wow, there’s a streak on my computer screen that’s shaped like a penis.  That’s weird.

Everyone, please, say a prayer or whatever for me to be able to quit my job after the DNC and go back to school full time.  If I finish my degree, I can get out of the Army.  I want out.  I want to stop worrying about how many push ups I can do (its not much).  I want to re-pierce my nose and start wearing ear rings again.  I want to have the weekend of my birthday off every year (I always, always, always have drill over my birthday weekend).  I don’t want to leave my son for a year to deploy. 

Plus, and I almost hate to write this down for the whole world to see, but I know I’ll never get married if I stay in the military.  Marriage isn’t my top priority, or anything, and God knows I certainly don’t want to go rushing into anything, but one day I’d like to get married and have more kids.  I don’t want to marry a man in the military because there is too much adultery going on in the military.  Sorry to all you service members who are faithful.  You know that, sadly, you are vastly outnumbered.  I don’t want to take chances with that one.  The trouble is, not a lot of civilian dudes are willing to wait around for a chick during their deployment.  So there, I said it.  I want to get out so I have a chance of getting married one day.

I need to get some glass cleaner for my screen, this is really bothering me.

My message to all the men in the world July 22, 2008

When I was deployed in 2004-05, I was outnumbered by men 75 to 1.  Despite this staggering ratio, nearly every man I was deployed with expected that they would hook up with someone while they were there (marital status - theirs or the women they were after - was of little consequence to them).  More astounding than that, many of the men looking to hook up would accept nothing less than the five or so women in our camp who were remarkably, exceedingly beautiful. 

What in gods name, I wondered, could lead these men to believe they could achieve their sexual goals?  I mean, if I were in a room with 74 other women and Brad Pitt, I would not expect to be the one to hook up with him.  I mean, my odds seem pretty slim to begin with, not to mention I am aware of the fact that I’m not exactly in Brad Pitt’s league.  Do men not have that same reasoning process that I have?

Apparently not.  Since I began paying attention to men and society at large (which, like it or not, is still run by men) one thing has become abundantly clear to me.  The vast majority of men, fat or thin, tall or short, rich or poor, believe there is something special about them.  They believe that there is some super signal emanating from them that sets them apart from all the rest of the retards in the world (who, incidentally, believe they too are somehow “special”), and will somehow enable them to hook up with whatever super hot chick they desire.  They believe that no woman could possibly resist them, and every woman they encounter wants nothing more than to be lucky enough for him to choose her to sleep with.

Men must be delusional. 

Earth to all the men in the world, you are no Adonis (those of you who are, there’s probably something else wrong with you, so don’t get all smug yet).  Furthermore, no matter how many young, hot women you see with men who are old, fat, balding, dorky, piggish or some combination of these traits, on TV, in real life women actually do give a shit what their partner looks like … just like you do.

Are we shallow?  No more so than men are.  In fact, women will make acceptions to the rules of physical attraction if a man has wealth or power, men usually are on only one track when it comes to being shallow.  Women are also usually more aware of what league they are in, where as men all seem to think they’re the cream of the crop.

I can sort of see where men get this idea from.  On TV, all the time, I see really beautiful women paired with really average (or less) men.  And boys aren’t bombarded with the kind of self-loathing propaganda that girls are from a young age.  But you would think that a year or two after puberty the truth would become clear.  Girls, just like boys, want to have a mate who is at least as attractive as they are.  If a man is not going to be attractive, he better have something else to offer, most often money, power or fame.

There are women out there who don’t care if you’re an ugly, jobless pig, of course.  These are women who feel so shitty about themselves that they’ll settle for anything.  Rest assured, if you are an ugly, jobless pig, the only women you’re getting are settling, and you are “anything”.  (In all fairness, that is a two way street, the only men who will date a woman who is an ugly, bitchy pig is one that feels so shitty about himself he’ll settle for anything.)  Women who feel that shitty about themselves usually have good reasons, of course, an ugly, jobless pig isn’t settling when he hooks up with that kind of woman;  that’s the best he can do.

See, here’s the point of all this.  I have seen a lot of really nice, wonderful, average looking guys completely overlook really nice, wonderful, average looking girls who are totally into them, just because they think they can get a super model.  Then I hear them bitching that all women are shallow.  Yeah, all the women you’re going after are shallow.  So are you.  If you want women to overlook your physical imperfections, you sure as hell better be willing to overlook a few yourself.

I also have seen a lot of really good guys who take awful care of themselves get turned down again and again, then complain that women are shallow.  But really, would you want to date a woman as slobby as you are?  Not only is total unkemptness (physically or in your life in general) a turnoff, but its also terribly disrespectful.  When you are a slob all the time, what you’re telling women is that she should have no standards, that she should spread her legs for what ever disgusting slob comes around.  I’m not saying you should always look perfect or that you should go metrosexual, but putting a little effort forth more often than not makes a big difference in the eyes of women.  I mean, I dig a dude in flannel, and he doesn’t have to shave every day, but I think he should know the appropriate times to clean up and he should do so nicely (jeans are not formal wear).

So listen up, all the men in the world, unless you’re in a situation where the men outnumber the women 75 to 1 (if you are, you’re pretty much screwed), there is something you can do to increase your chances of hooking up with awesome, beautiful women.  Expand your definition of what beautiful is, beautiful women come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and styles.  Put a little effort into making yourself physically attractive, you might up your playing field a little.  Put a little extra effort into having other traits to offer women, such as stability and support, being a handyman or good with kids, or having a great sense of humor.

Women try really hard to be the best that they can for the man who is lucky enough to be chosen by her.  We expect the same out of you.

Because you might be doing this stuff anyhow July 18, 2008

I’m a crafty, crafty person.  I knit (though not as well as I’d like), sew, paint, make jewelry, decopauge, do mosaics, embroider, and I’m always thinking of how I can make something I want but don’t have.  I’m not always successful in my attempts, I start more crafts than I finish, but hell, I love to craft.  I love to have something unique.  I love the feeling of accomplishment that comes with saying “I made it” when someone asks where I got something.

If I were a better crafter, I’d sell my stuff here

Etsy

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff there too.

Now, if you are a single mom, god knows you could use a little extra income every now and again.  If you are a crafty single mom, Etsy might be the place for you to earn that little extra income.  If you are a rich single mom, Etsy might be the place for you to spend some of your money on some totally unique, fashionable and expensive merchandise.  But how many of us are actually rich single moms?

As for me, I can barely finish knitting a hat in time for my son to wear it (and the last one I knitted him didn’t even fit), so I doubt if I’ll be peddling my goods on Etsy anytime soon, but if you’re doing a lot of crafting anyway, it might be worth looking into.

Labor = Empowerment July 16, 2008

I posted something on a blog about labor being an empowering experience, and a bunch of people posted back that they would disagree with the idea that labor is empowering.  Okay, maybe in the throws of it all you don’t feel very empowered, but after its all over with, I don’t understand how you could not feel strong and powerful.

Too many women in this country look at having a baby like taking a crap.  You want to get it out of you as quickly as possible, wipe the icky residue away, and then forget the whole nasty business ever happened.  I don’t understand that outlook, personally.  I thought that the process of bringing a child into the world was pretty kick ass.  Its something I like to talk about, because it was cool.  Yeah, it hurt, and sure, there were some gross parts, but in a nation where we line up to see the latest gore porn sequel every time the masterminds behind Saw decided they’d like a little more money, can we really not handle hearing about a little placenta?  Seriously, people, don’t be such pussies.  I’m as squeemish as the next person, but this isn’t feces, its a child.

So yeah, I’ll say it, I peed myself in transition.  Several times.  I’ll say it, I pooped on the delivery table while pushing.  I’ll say it, some sort of green fluid gushed out of me after they yanked my son out.  And yeah, I’ll say it, I bled like a stuffed pig for six weeks after labor.  Its all part of that kick ass labor experience I had, and I’m very sorry if you didn’t have a kick ass labor experience yourself.

All it takes to have a kick ass labor experience is to participate in your own labor.  You don’t have to do it all natural, with no drugs, like I did.  Natural birth isn’t for everyone.  If you’re the type of person who would rather wake up in bed next to Ted Bundy than to run a mile, natural labor is probably not for you.  If you’re the type of person who cries when you get a paper cut, natural labor is probably not for you.  If you’re the type of person who makes your husband have sex with you through a hole in a sheet with all the lights out so he can’t see your shameful, shameful nakedness, you probably should go ahead and schedule an elective c section.  But whatever kind of person you are, you can still take an active role in your labor and participate fully in the experience, and wind up having a totally empowering birth experience. 

All you have to do is research your pregnancy and labor options fully, and pick the options that are best for you.  Maybe you know you want pain relief, but you’re terrified of needles.  Do a little research, and you’ll be relieved to know that there are many pain relief alternatives to the epidural, such as Demerol (which my aunt says was just great for her first labor, but not enough pain relief for her second).  Or maybe you want to look into sedation methods for when they put in that epidural needle, so that you can just ignore the whole needle ordeal.  Look into your options!  Don’t just lean back and figure the doctor is a professional, so let him decide.  Nobody knows you like you.

Next, write a birth plan and give it to your doctor.  Birth plans are awesome.  They let the doctor and nurses know what kind of person you are, what kind of birth you want, and how best to serve you during your labor.  A lot of women think a birth plan is not necessary if they are not having a natural birth.  WRONG!  Since you researched your options and have picked a specific plan that’s going to be best for the unique and special individual you are, you’re going to want to articulate that to your hospital staff - even if your plan looks like the pretty standard action plan of most OBs (epidural, augmentation with pit).  If we all demanded to be treated like the unique individuals with unique individual needs that we are, that action plan would not be standard.  There would be no standard!  For example, when writing up my birth plan, I seriously considered requesting an IV (totally not standard for an otherwise natural birth).  Why?  Because I like them.  They make me feel super hydrated.  I know I’m crazy.  No, I’m unique.  So are you.  Demand to be treated as such.  (Furthermore, you’ll probably want to specify how you want yourself and your baby treated after birth, otherwise god only knows what they’ll do to you)

Finally, ask questions.  Why? Good question.  Because things change.  You can never have total control over labor, but if something happens and your plans change, you will feel better about everything if you know whats happening and what your options are from there.  Women who report feeling positive about their birth despite emergency cesareans all say that the thing that let them feel so empowered after such a drastic change in plans was getting all the information they could from the doctor so that they were able to participate in the decision process.

Look, all the time you hear people saying that its about the journey, not about the destination.  People apply that cliche to everything, from your career to relationships.  But for whatever reason, we don’t want to apply it to labor and birth?  Come on.  Sure, that baby destination is pretty awesome, but if you don’t participate in the journey to the baby, you’re really missing out on a pretty kick ass thing your body is doing.

Why I want to become a doula July 15, 2008

My pregnancy was totally unplanned.  When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I just sat there on the toilet with my pants around my ankles for what seemed like hours, staring at that little plus sign that didn’t even have the decency to wait until I set it down on the counter to show up.  This wasn’t how I imagined I would get pregnant one day.  I felt totally unprepared and out of control.

When I made the decision, a few days later, that I was indeed going to have the baby, I wanted to seize what little bit of control I could.  I immediately started reading on what was going on in my body, in the baby’s body, and what the future held for us both.  I had to know everything.  It became an addiction.

Seven months after having Elijah, nothing has changed.  I still want to learn more about pregnancy, child birth and parenting every day.  Whatever information I encounter I absorb, whether it applies to me or not. I am a member of several pregnancy, child birth and parenting forums where I proceed to disseminate this information in the hopes of helping some woman who isn’t as hopelessly addicted to child bearing knowledge as I am.

I have thought, since having Elijah, about what I could do with this new found passion and knowledge, and the more I try to answer questions and give encouragement, the more it becomes clear.  I should be involved in pregnancy and childbirth as a career, somehow.  Since I don’t see myself becoming a nurse or a doctor, and midwifery probably isn’t in my future either, I did some research on what it takes to become a doula, and decided that very likely was for me.

Really, I felt most inspired by my own doula, and a few encouraging words from her when I wrote to her about my doula ideas was all it took to make me decide for sure that this is what I wanted to do.  I checked out the required reading list for certification and found that I had already read some of the books on the list.  I chose a class to attend (in November) and made an announcement at work.  I’m going to become a doula.

I hope that I can help women have the empowering, awe inspiring birth that my doula helped me to have.  I hope I can satisfy some of my lust for the pregnancy and child birth experience (because I’m just dying to do it all again) by sharing that experience with other women.  I hope I can one day make a descent living at this.  And I hope I will be able to volunteer my services to other single mothers, and maybe empower them a little to not let their situation condemn them and their children.  I hope I can be there for women who need a c section without getting queasy.

Hopefully now my choice doesn’t seem so sudden to everyone.

This is going to sound more sudden than it really is July 13, 2008

I have decided that I want to get certified as a doula.  I am beginning my required reading (some of it I’ve already read!) and am taking my class in November.

I’ll keep everyone posted.

Ripping off other publications (with credit, so its not plagerism, right?) July 10, 2008

I read this today on the Yes Magazine website.  I think it is worth reposting and spreading around.

Has the cash economy swallowed up your life? Here are some ways to extract some of your time and “life energy” from the cash economy.

Reduce debt. If you can’t pay cash, don’t buy it. Practice being mindful about what you buy and why.

Do it yourself. Grow food, pick berries, can and preserve food, make wine, bake bread. Make or repair clothes, furniture, and gifts. Create your own entertainment. Walk, bike, run, or play basketball instead of joining a fitness club.

Share & Exchange. Take care of neighbor kids and elders. Play music, sing, act in local theater, write poems, hold art shows. Exchange haircuts for applesauce, bike repair for massage, language tutoring for babysitting.

Reduce waste & pollution. Weatherize your home or apartment. Reduce your car usage, or get rid of a car.

Buy local. Run buy-local campaigns, print stickers, publish or post a directory of local businesses. Acknowledge business owners who foster the well-being of the environment, employees, and the whole community. Convert public funds from luring outside corporations to supporting local businesses.

Start a new local business. Start a food market, credit union, wifi network, or even an electricity co-op. Explore ownership options like cooperatives, nonprofits, for-profits, or single proprietorships.

Buy Fair Traded when you buy imports. Vote with your dollar for a better world for all.

Finding more time now that I’m a mom July 2, 2008

I spend a lot of the day reading blogs and articles and books to keep myself informed about what I can do to protect my family from dangers and to do something to stem the onslaught of global warming (and to protect the environment in other ways).  I am a member of nearly a dozen forums to discuss just these issues (how to do it the greenest, the cheapest, the biggest impact-est), and a member of several community groups which address some of these same issues.  I spend a lot of time on these matters, more than twice the amount of time I spent on them a year or two ago, despite the fact that I have less time to spend on anything now, because I am a mother.

I want the best for Elijah, and I am certain that he will want the same for his kids, and his kids will want the same for their kids.  Is there anyone out there who doesn’t want to give their children not only the best, but the opportunity to one day give their children the best?  If there is, they need to have their children taken away from them, because they are not fit parents.

I want to share everything I’ve learned with the world, its been a lot.  I’m learning still more every day.  Heres a quick run down of what I’ve learned today, for example.

Pesticides likely kill Y sperm, and exposure to vinyl (and other dioxin containing products) causes baby boys to have lower sperm counts for the rest of their lives

Sign a petition to eliminate BPA from baby bottles BPA leeches out of plastics and gets into our food (or is absorbed by our skin) and mimics estrogen in our bodies, leading to all sorts of nasty side effects, from uncontrolled weight gain and inability to lose weight, to cancer, infertility and genital deformation in your children.  It can also cause boys to grow breasts.  Yikes!

A kick ass, all electric car that can go over 100 miles on a single charge and 65 mph, is going to be sold in America as early as next year for under 25k.

Smog (the shit that comes out of the back of your car and the powerplant where you get your electricity from) will kill you.  Just like second hand smoke will.

 

Note:  I actually started writing this weeks ago!  I never found time to finish and publish.  So I’m publishing now.  I hope the links still work.  Enjoy!

Pregnancy Pact? July 2, 2008

My head has been swimming with thoughts of these 17 high school girls in Mass. who made a pact to get pregnant.  A friend of mine said I should be careful writing about it, because it is still just speculative, but last I heard several of the girls had admitted to there being a pact.  Has anyone heard for sure?

 

Anyway, what struck me as odd about the news story is that school officials are using this situation to bring up discussions about whether or not birth control should be offered at the school.  My first thought was, “What good would that have done?  These girls planned to get pregnant.  They simply would not have used birth control, no matter how available it was.”  Apparently, many other people thought the same thing.

 

Then I heard that there was a daycare facility at the school so that students who have children can finish up their high school education, at least.  My first thought about that was “Oh, how nice.  Well at least these girls have some sort of chance of raising their children under livable conditions,” because I can only imagine how hard it would be to be a single mother and not even have a high school education.  It’s hard enough for me and I have military training and some college.  But my reaction to the schools daycare facility was not the norm.

 

I was amazed at how many people felt the day care facility encouraged students to get pregnant.  As if giving girls who made a mistake a chance to make a descent life for themselves and their children was a bad thing.  Too many people look at children of unwed mothers as punishments to the mothers for being “slutty”.  Oh, should the pregnant woman or girl seek an abortion their tune is shockingly different.  From instant conception takes place it is a child, with rights and feelings, but the minute it’s born, it suddenly becomes a punishment, not a child, and it is not deserving of loving parents who are able to properly provide for it.  People with this attitude make me sick.

 

But I do try to be open minded, and the more I thought about it, the more I could kind of see how the day care facility might have played a hand in helping the girls to make this foolish choice (naturally, a lack of self respect and an abundance of stupidity played the primary roles).  I do not feel like it encourages children to get pregnant.  Obviously, unless it is a very small school, more girls do not get pregnant on purpose than who do.  But, by taking away some of the consequences of having a child young, you take away some of their reasons not to do it.  If you couple that with making absolutely no effort to discourage pregnancy (not offering birth control in school, for example) you get a double whammy.

 

So what should this school do in an attempt to keep this sort of thing from happening again?  I say keep the day care facility, because children deserve parents who can work and provide for them, but also, offer these children birth control.  Say to them, “This is here to help you if you screw up, but we’d prefer if you didn’t screw up in the first place, so here’s something to prevent it from happening.”  Discourage, but don’t exile those who make a mistake.

 

I think maybe every school in the country should consider something like that.

 

Of course, this does nothing to address the serious self respect issues these girls are facing, and their obvious lack of judgement, but I think I’ll tackle those subjects some other day.

What I’ll tell my son when he asks July 1, 2008

One day every child of a single mother has questions to ask about daddy.  Who was he, perhaps?  What happened between you two, maybe?  Where is he now?  We all became single mothers in different ways, so we will all get different questions and have different answers.  This is what I will say to my son.

“Your father was a nice man, but he had a very bad disease and was unable to take care of you.”

I choose to say it like that because

• I don’t want to say nasty or mean things about his biological father
• I assume he will be too young to really understand the implications of alcoholism
• I don’t want him thinking there was something wrong with him that made his biological father not want to take part in his life
• I don’t want him to think I stole him away from his father

As he gets older and can understand more, I might give him more information and detail, such as

“Your biological father was basically good, but he was an alcoholic, and because of his addiction was not able to be a fit father.”

I may tell him a few details about his father, should he ask, such as what he did (as opposed to what he did for a living, since his “profession” did not bring in any income) where he was from, maybe what some of his interests were.  I will do what I can to avoid going into too much detail before I think he’s ready for it.  When the time comes that he wants to know the whole story of what happened between us, I will try to relate it to him in the most matter of fact, nice way I can find to do it.  I will also admit to what I did wrong in the relationship (I certainly did make mistakes), rather than just pointing the finger at him.

I cannot do anything to stop Elijah from tracking him down one day, should he decide he wants to do that.  If Elijah ever comes to me (as an adult) and asks for detailed information about his biological father in an attempt to track him down, I will give it to him.  He has a right to find his father, if he wants.  I will not encourage it, however.  Come to think of it, Elijah has a half brother out there somewhere as well, or so his father told me, and he may wish to track him down.  Whatever the case, I can’t do much about it.

What have you told your child/children?  What do you plan to say?  Have you thought about it at all?